


Non-Negotiable

by ArielAquarial



Series: Non-negotiable [1]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe, Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst, Artist Castiel (Supernatural), But also not, Castiel & Meg Masters Friendship, Dean Winchester Being an Asshole, Dean Winchester Needs to Use Actual Words, Dean doesnt know how to apologize, Hopeful Ending, I'm Sorry, Insecure Dean Winchester, John Winchester's A+ Parenting, M/M, Meg is a bitch, Misunderstandings, Panic Attacks, Past Homelessness, Past Suicidal Thoughts, Pining Dean Winchester, Protective Meg Masters, more angst than i intended, refrence to past abusive relationship, she cares for cas
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-26
Updated: 2018-09-02
Packaged: 2019-07-03 01:16:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 21,759
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15808368
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ArielAquarial/pseuds/ArielAquarial
Summary: Cas was the perfect man. He was nice, tallented, gorgeous, easy to talk to, and Dean had fallen hard and fast for the man.There was only one problem...His best friend was a total bitch.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Tags will be added as chapters are written. And yes, I know the tags are alredy a mess...

Dean never thought he would fall in love with a man like Cas. On paper, they had barely anything in common. Dean liked rock, while Cas preferred a more eclectic mix of folk and classical. Dean was a beer and whiskey man, while Cas preferred fruity cocktails. Dean liked a hot cup of coffee in the morning with a splash of cream, and Cas liked tea sweetened from honey he bought at the local farmers market or a glass of iced milk tea in the afternoon (“Never both, Dean. I try to watch my caffeine intake…). Dean preferred burgers and pizza, while Cas liked to adhere to the daily recommended servings of fruits and vegetables. Dean spent his free time on car forums, while Cas preferred to garden.

That being said, what they did have in common, were the things that mattered. They were both insanely loyal to their friends. They took pride in their work, and spoke passionately about their hobbies. And, most important of all…they got along really fuckin’ well. Sure, Cas was a bit too serious sometimes, and jokes usually had to be explained to him, but he was really easy to talk to. So easy, in fact, that Dean had the habit of hogging him all night whenever everyone was over.

The first time Dean had met Cas, was at his brother’s BBQ. Dean had been manning the grill, staring despondently at the corner of the grill that Sammy had sectioned off for his special veggie patties, when a commotion drew his attention to Sammy’s front gate. When he was finally able to turn around, he saw that it was Benny with a dark-haired man in tow. Benny’s daughter Elizabeth was held snuggly in the mystery man’s arms, her face hidden shyly in his neck. He remembered watching Benny introducing the man to Sammy, both smiling and shaking hands. He remembered thinking that he had to get to know the handsome man who Benny trusted enough to hold Elizabeth. He rushed through plating the burgers and made his way over to Benny.

He was greeted with the usual bear hug from the large man. “Hey, brother. It’s good to see you.”

Dean hugged him back tightly. “Long time no see, man. How’s Andrea?”

He pursed his lip his eyes. “Sick, again. This new teaching job is getting her sick left and right. She wanted me to leave with the little one so she could take a nap.” He finally turned and gestured for his friend to step forward. “And with the little bug over here, is my friend Cas.”

Cas shifted Elizabeth enough to free a hand for Dean to shake. “It’s a pleasure to meet you.”

Dean smiled at Cas, his heart beating at the sound of Cas’s deep voice. “The name’s Dean.”

“Dean.” Cas repeated with a nod, face solemn like he was going to be tested on it later. Deans smile got even bigger. There was no way Cas was actually that adorable.

Unfortunately, Sam came back with his wife Jess, and they pulled Cas away. Then, it was Charlie’s turn to pull him away and draw him into a conversation. Then, it was Garth that introduced himself, beer in hand. By the time the night was over and Benny and Cas had to leave, Dean barely spent 5 minutes with the man.

The second time Dean met Cas, was also thanks to Benny. They had been at the Roadhouse, grabbing lunch, when Benny brought up a small get together that he was going to.

“Get together…” Dean elbowed Benny in his side. “Sounds like a bunch of old ladies meeting for brunch to gossip about their neighbors.”

Benny laughed. “Definitely not a bunch of old ladies. Do you remember Cas?”

Dean gulped down some beer. How could he forget? “Sounds familiar.”

“He was the friend I brought to Sam’s Barbeque.”

Dean snapped his finger, faking recognition. “Dark hair, blue eyes-” Messy hair, nice ass, a voice you could drown in… “-right?”

Benny nodded. “Yeah, that’s the one.” He paused to grab a peanut from the bowl in the middle of their table. “The person he lives with throws parties every once in a while, and I’ve been called in for reinforcements.”

Dean frowned at the fact that Cas was living with someone. Girlfriend? Just a friend? Sister? Brother? “Reinforcements?”

He smiled. “Yeah. It couldn’t have escaped your notice that he was kind of shy.”

Dean had thought it was charming. “Yeah.”

“She can be a bit much.” He leaned in, lowering his voice although no one was close enough to overhear. “And her friends are worse. He’s not the most outgoing person so I always show up as backup so he has someone there for him.” Benny leaned back on the stool, folding his arms across his chest and looking Dean up and down. “You want to come too?”

“I don’t know them very well, I’m sure he won’t want me there.” But god…he wished Cas did.

“Nonsense. Cas could use all of the help he can get. Plus, Meg always has a ton of beer.”

Dean tried not to smile. “Well, if there’s going to be free beer…” and if Cas was going to be there…

Benny laughed. “You should get to know Cas, I think you’ll like him.”

Dean nodded in agreement, but stayed silent.

And that was how Dean ended up at the apartment that Cas and Meg lived in. It was a small thing, two bedrooms and a bathroom that was full of Meg’s beauty crap. Seriously, the open shelving above the toilet was full of makeup and face creams. Despite the small size of the apartment, it was nicely furnished with quality furniture, no cheap IKEA in sight. The party was in full swing when he got there, alcohol flowing and music playing while a large group talked and danced in the living room. Benny went straight for the backyard, telling Dean that Cas would likely be out there guarding his hammock. According to Benny, Cas had once found a couple ‘attempting to fornicate’ (his exact words), in there and ever since then he hasn’t let anyone touch it.

They found Cas sitting cross legged in the hammock, bundled up in a soft green blanket, his head the only thing visible. His face lit up when Benny was in sight, and he even spared a glance and small smile for Dean once he noticed his presence. Cas wormed an arm out of his blanket cocoon and extended it to Benny, who stepped up and enveloped Cas in one of his bear hugs. Dean stood there awkwardly, wanting a hug too, but not willing to risk it.

“I’ve come to save you.” Benny joked.

Cas nodded solemnly. “Thank you. And it’s good to see you again, Dean.”

Dean stepped forward awkwardly, fighting a goofy smile over the fact that Cas remembered him. “Hey, Cas. Nice to see you too. I hope you don’t mind me tagging along.”

“I don’t mind at all, Dean.” He looked back and forth between them, a pleased expression lighting up his face. “Thank you both for coming. Meg is already trying to get me drunk.”

Benny laughed and elbowed Dean. “Cas here can put away alcohol like no one’s business. I think I’ve only seen him drunk once.”

“And it was not a pleasant experience, Benjamin. Have you forgotten?” Cas asked. “I prefer not to indulge anymore.”

Benny gave him a pat on his blanketed shoulder. “No, I haven’t forgotten.”

Dean smiled at Cas, trying to push past the suddenly awkward mood shift. “So, you not a fan of parties?”

He shook his head, the blanket ruffling his hair, messing it up further. “I am not.”

Dean laughed walked forward and perched his butt on an empty planter. “Not a big fan of them either. Went to a lot of clubs in my early twenties, but that didn’t last long.”

The way Cas was looking at him, like he was the only one in the world, was bringing a blush to his face. “I’ve never been to a club, although Meg has taken me to a bar or two. I’ve enjoyed going to the Roadhouse very much, they make an amazing burger.”

The smile that appeared on Deans face couldn’t have been contained if he tried. “I love the Roadhouse! My aunt owns the place. I’m over there every weekend.” Dean took a deep breath and cleared his throat. “We should go to lunch sometime, Cas.”

Cas nodded. “I’d like that, Dean.”

If he played his cards right, it could turn into a date and Dean was definitely down for a date with the man. Dean’s goofy smile was cut off by Benny clearing his throat, jarring Dean out of his daydreaming, and asking Cas a question about work.

It was then that a woman came out of the sliding glass door and sauntered up to Cas. She leaned forward and placed a loud smacking kiss on his cheek before she nuzzled her face into his blanket covered shoulder, her back arching and her curvy ass on full display. “Clarence.” She purred. “I need you to help me win beer pong. No one handles balls like you do…”

Cas glanced up at Dean, his cheeks flushed but his lips tilting up in a fond smile, the first obvious sign of happiness Dean had ever seen on his face. “Dean, this is Meg.”

Ok, so the man had a girlfriend. A girlfriend who was apparently an affectionate, unfiltered drunk. That was ok. Dean was fine with that knowledge. The roadhouse obviously wouldn’t be a date, then. Dean supposed he could always use a friend. A super-hot, unattainable, friend. “Hey, Meg.”

She tilted her head, a set of brown eyes peeking out from behind a curtain of brown hair. The once over her eyes gave him was obvious. “Well, hello there.”

Dean shifted his feet at the tone in her voice. “Nice to meet you.” He turned to Benny and gave him a forced smile. “I’m going to go get a beer, want one?”

He shook his head. “Haven’t had a beer since Andrea got pregnant. Trying to be supportive. Once she’s done nursing, you and I will have to go out for a drink…”

Dean turned to Cas, and was met with the sight of Meg in the man’s lap, arms wrapped around him and face still settled into the crook of his neck. “Anything for you, Cas?”

“No thank you.” He replied.

Dean waited a few moments, unsure if he should offer to get Meg one, but decided against it. She was obviously already drunk and very much not paying attention to anything other than cuddling with Cas.

The kitchen provided Dean the shelter he needed. It wasn’t that he was upset that Cas was in a relationship…he was just slightly disappointed. Ok, very disappointed. He’d get over it though, he barely knew the guy after all. He only knew that Cas was absolutely gorgeous, and that he was friends with practically all of his friends at this point, and that he was super nice, and that he was great with kids…but yeah, he hardly knew anything.

Dean grabbed a beer out of an ice bucket and made his way back to the cool air. Meg was still on Cas, only now she was straddling the man. Benny was talking to Cas like there wasn’t anything wrong, and Cas was sitting there rubbing circles onto her back and nodding to whatever Benny was saying. Dean glanced at his beer and sighed. He’d definitely need more alcohol if he was going to make it through the night.

And make it through the night he did…with a little help from a bottle of Jack Daniels.

Dean woke up in Cas’s hammock, covered in the same soft green blanket that had been keeping Cas warm for much of the night. Cas was nowhere to be seen, but if Dean had the choice between a bed and a hammock, he’d pick the bed too. His hangover wasn’t too bad, thankfully, and when he got up, he only experienced a bit of dizziness and some slight pounding in his skull. Overall, he’d call himself good. He did need to use the restroom though. Trying to remember where the bathroom was turned out to be a pain in the ass. Especially when you had to pee, and your eyes were still a bit fuzzy.

He bypassed Benny, who was asleep on the couch exactly where dean remembered leaving him at two in the morning, maneuvered around a few unnamed men who looked like they had dropped where they stood, and entered the hallway. The first door that was cracked open revealed itself to be a linen closet, and he closed it with a huff. The second proved to be a bedroom. He was about to move on, but was struck at the sight of who was in bed. Cas, dressed only in a pair of boxers, with Meg, equally undressed, wrapped around him like she was an octopus trying to snare her dinner. He hesitated in the doorway, eyes watching Cas’s peaceful face as he slept. Mouth slack and lips slightly parted, and hair even more of a mess than usual.

He closed his eyes and took a breath before moving on.  _Cas was taken_ , he had to remind himself,  _you have no right to feel jealous_ _._  But telling himself was easier than getting it through his head that he didn’t stand a chance. Dean finally found the restroom, did his business, and headed towards the kitchen, intending to drink half his body weight in water and then waking Benny up so the man could get home to his wife before she killed him.

Halfway through his second glass of water, he was joined in the kitchen by Meg and Cas, still rubbing at their eyes, but thankfully dressed. Cas immediately went for the fridge, pulling put eggs, cheese, bell peppers and mushrooms, before placing them on the counter and beginning to prep what looked like omelets.

“I hope you’ll stay for breakfast, Dean.” Cas said in his sleep roughened voice, his back still facing Dean.

“Yeah.” He croaked, his throat still dry. He took another sip of water. “Thanks, Cas.”

Benny walked into the kitchen, a lot steadier on his feet than Dean had been. At the sight of Cass chopping vegetables, Benny grinned wide. “Hope you’re making enough for me, brother.”

Meg scoffed. “You know Clarence is making enough to feed an army.”

“Thank you, as always, Cas.” Benny laughed happily and turned to Dean. “Cas always makes breakfast after a party, it helps motivate people to clean up their mess.”

Dean watched Meg and Cas dance around each other, murmuring softly to each other, and pulling things down from the cupboard. They looked so damn domestic that Dean was having trouble finding the motivation to stay for breakfast.

After a few minutes of comfortable silence, Dean leaned towards Benny and dropped his voice to a whisper. “Why does she call him Clarence?”

Benny shrugged. “Who knows, she’s called him that for as long as I’ve known them. Your guess is as good as mine.”

“Oh.” Dean leaned in further. “And how long have they been together?”

“Who?” Benny asked with a yawn.

Dean rolled his eyes at him. “Cas and Meg.”

Benny gave him a confused glance. “They’re not together.”

The world stopped spinning. “What?”

“They’ve never been together, Dean.” Something seemed to connect in his brain, and a smug smile slipped onto his face. “Why do you want to know?”

Dean leaned back in his chair and scowled at Benny. “Just curious, Benny.”

“Uh-huh.” Benny was nodding at him slowly, his face clearly saying that he wasn’t buying Deans bullshit. “Cas is single.”

“Well good for him.” Dean muttered, waving off Benny’s words like he didn’t care. “But if there’re not together, then why-” He cut himself off. There was no way it wouldn’t look creepy if he mentioned that he had peeked into the man’s room and saw them cuddling in bed.

“Why what?”

“So, last night…” He paused, scrambling for words. “Uh, why were they all over each other?”

“Oh!” Benny chuckled “I don’t even notice that anymore. They’re just very close, like package deal kind of close. As far as I understand it, they’ve been through a lot together.”

“Really?” Dean asked disbelievingly. Dean didn’t often cuddle with his friends while half naked. “Just friends?”

“Yeah…” Benny smiled at Dean. “Just friends. You know…I know you’re not interested, but if you ever change our mind you should give it a shot.”

Dean frowned at Benny. “I said I’m not interested.”

“Sure thing.” Benny chuckled to himself and grabbed Deans water so he could take a drink. “You keep telling yourself that.”

He let out a sigh and looked back towards Cas and Meg. They were obviously one more cuddle session away from a relationship, if they weren’t already in one. After all, Benny surely didn’t know what they did behind closed doors.

“I know what you’re thinking, Dean. I’m serious. They’re not together.”

“Benny!” Dean hissed under his breath. “Good for them, I don’t care.”

The man huffed. “Hey, Meg!”

Dean groaned softly. “Oh my god…”

She turned around and rested her hip on the counter, her arms crossed, and one eyebrow cocked. “What do you want, Benjamin.”

“You’re coming up on 30, when are you going to ask Cas to marry you? No one else will have you…”

“Fuck you, Benny.” Meg reached around Cas and gave him a squeeze around his middle. “Cas is an angel, a fucking unicorn.” She gently grabbed his chin and turned his face towards hers, reaching her other hand up to stroke his stubbly cheek gently.

The shy smile he gave her, along with the softly murmured “Meg...” was enough to make Dean both uncomfortable and jealous. Not a couple…sure.

“He’s too good for me.” She continued. “I’m going to have to find some shit head with bad taste to keep me company.” She sauntered towards Dean. “You single, big guy?”

Dean frowned and held up his arms, glancing up at Cas who was now watching them. “No thanks.”

She cackled and gave Cas a smack on his ass before exiting the kitchen, leaving Dean with more questions than answers.

Benny simple raised his eyebrow at Cas as if to say, ‘See?’

After that, Cas became a permanent part of Deans life. Unfortunately, that meant that Meg was around a lot more than Dean wanted. That is to say, the fact that she was around at all, was a big goddamn thorn in Deans side.

It was just so strange. Cas loved Meg, but it was the way you’d love a friend you’d known your entire life. Like you’d love your favorite cousin or a sibling. It was evident in the fond way he always looked at her, in the way his face went soft, like all of his troubles were melting away when he saw her. But god, she was such a bitch. How could someone like Cas be friends with a woman like Meg? A demon who didn’t even try to hide the fact that she was a lousy person? He could think of so many times where she’d been rude, that she’d said something purposefully offensive, that she’d snubbed someone for no reason.

Despite all of this, they were best friends. Despite the fact that Meg was a complete bitch, who just seemed to love flirting with poor, sweet, innocent Cas whenever she could. Despite her near constant presence, where she seemed to try and keep Cas all to herself, Dean still fell in love with Cas.

It was hard to ignore. Dean was in love with Castiel James Novak. The man who always had a classic novel with him. The man who could create art that left you feeling emotions that you’ve never felt before. The man who made himself Thai Milk Teas with that boba shit, and always offered to share even though Dean turned him down every single time. The man would always do anything in his power to help you.

It was hard to pinpoint the exact moment that Deans crush turned into full on love.

Maybe it was the day he had seen one of Cas’s painting for the first time. It was Sam who had finally found out what he did for a living. “I’m an artist.” He had said, and Dean was shocked. Someone as serious as Cas surely didn’t have a creative bone in his body. The man had more of an air of an accountant than an artist. His opinion was changed when Cas pulled out his phone and began scrolling through picture after picture of canvases full of color, of beautiful landscapes, and of portraits that were so lifelike that Dean was sure it was a picture, of the ocean looking so real he wanted to touch it.

There was a chance that it was the first time he’d seen Cas laugh. It wasn’t even  _him_  that made Cas smile. He and Meg were talking, Dean never too far from him, and suddenly Dean was startled by the sound of laughter. Dean turned in time to see Cas bent over, his shoulders shaking, his hands braced on his knees. The man looked up and Dean’s heart started beating heavily. His eyes were shining with joy, corners crinkling. His lips were stretched in a wide smile. He was beautiful. Cas gaze was directed to Meg, who was smirking proudly, her eyes locked onto his. Dean had never felt more jealous of Meg in his life.

It could have been the time Cas pushed Benny out of the way, a man easily twice his size, because he was about to step on a bee. After diagnosing the bee as dehydrated, he made Meg stand guard over the bee until he returned with sugar water so he could nurse the little thing back to health. God, the look of pride on Cas’s face as it buzzed away was enough to send his heart beating erratically.

It could have been the day he had asked Cas to help him find a painting for his living room, and Cas had been so offended he left immediately and didn’t answer any of Deans texts for two days. When he finally marched into Deans house and shoved a wrapped canvas at Dean, Cas told him “Don’t ever worry about asking me for things, Dean.” And he couldn’t help but blush over the fact that Cas knew he had been too nervous to request something from someone as busy and talented as Cas.

Or perhaps it was the day he rushed over to babysit Emma when Sam had an emergency at the office, Jess had been visiting her parents out of state, and Dean was too sick to watch his niece. Sam apparently came home to freshly baked cookies and Emma proudly showing Sammy a canvas that she had painted with ‘Uncle Cas’.

God, Dean still remembered the time Cas gave him a tour of his art studio, a room he rented in the city with its brick walls and wooden floors. It was amazing. Canvas after canvas full of color filled the room, all beautiful, and all loved by Cas. The look on his face as he showed Dean his work and even allowed Dean to run his fingers across the canvasses was mesmerizing.

It could have been any of those instances, or it could have been none of them. Maybe he just woke up one day and was in love. Who knew? But once he realized he was in love, there was no going back.

o.O.o.O.o.O.o.O.o.O.o.O.o.O.o

Dean (10:50): Wanna come over? I’m gonna be makin burgers

Dean placed his phone on the counter and continued mixing the dressing he would be adding to the shredded cabbage. He wasn’t exactly the biggest fan of coleslaw, but Cas, for whatever reason, loved it.

Dean’s phone buzzed with a text.

Cas (10:52): Sam invited me over for dinner tonight. Raincheck?  
  
Dean frowned at his phone. Sammy invited Cas over for dinner and didn’t also invite Dean? Fucking rude.

Dean (10:53): Bitch

The reply was almost instant.

Sammy (10:53): Jerk

Dean (10:53): Why didn’t I get a dinner invite?

Deans phone immediately began to buzz.

“Because I like Cas and actually want to be able to talk with him.” Sam started immediately.

“Well hello to you too…”

“Dean.” Sammy paused and Dean could easily imagine the bitch face. “Seriously. Last time you were invited I barely got in a word between you two. It’s always the Cas and Dean show whenever you two are together.”

Dean couldn’t help the blush. “Well, I was going to invite him over to dinner too. I already finished the coleslaw.”

“Too bad.” Sammy stated firmly.

“You love coleslaw.” Dean reasoned. “I’ll bring it. How can you say no to free coleslaw?”

“Invite him tomorrow. Coleslaw is always best if left overnight.”

“Sam. Let me come over. Jess loves me and she’ll be upset if she found out you said no, especially since I asked so nicely.”

There was a pause. “Ok, first of all…you didn’t ask nicely. I haven’t heard you say please since I was a kid. Second, don’t you dare ask Jess.”

Dean smiled to himself. “Gotta go Sammy!”

“Dean, no.”

“I’ll talk to you later!”

“Dean!”

Dean hung up and quickly dialed Jessica. The moment the call connected, Dean could hear Sammy in the background “-answer the phone!”

“Hey, Dean. What’s up?”

“Well, if it isn’t my favorite woman in the world. Say, you haven’t gotten tired of Sammy yet, right?”

She laughed. “Dean, always the flatterer.”

“I’m just saying, you could always upgrade to the better Winchester.”

“What do you want, Dean?”

“I was wondering if you wanted to extend the dinner invitation. Make it a family dinner.”

“Dean. Don’t even try me. You just want to come because Cas is coming, don’t you?”

Dean blushed, glad Jess couldn’t see his red face. “I am offended. You know I love the two of you.”

“Yes, I’m sure its not because you found out that Cas was coming.”

“Jess…” He had to fight to keep the whining tone out of his voice. “You know I’m coming for you.”

“Of course you are. Well, Dean…you know you’re my favorite brother in law-”

“Only brother in law.” He corrected with a smile.

“-so despite what my dear husband says, you are always welcome.”

He could immediately hear Sammy complaining in the background. “I’ll bring some coleslaw.”

“You’re ridiculous.” She laughed. “Fine. Get your butt here at 5:30, and don’t forget that coleslaw!”

“Thanks Jessica!” Dean hug up and opened up his text messages again.

Dean (11:04): Sorry, I meant tomorrow. Wanna to come over tomorrow?

Cas (11:04): That sounds great, Dean. Thank you for the invitation.

Dean smiled at the overly proper way that Cas always typed.

Dean (11:05): I’ll be at Sams tonight.

Cas (11:05): Wonderful. I’ll be coming straight from the studio, so hopefully I’ll be on time.

He scoffed. If Cas was at the studio right now, there was no way he would be able to pull himself away from whatever he was painting.

Dean (11:06): Want a ride? I could come over and hang out.

Cas took a few minutes to respond.

Cas (11:10): Of course, Dean. You are always welcome.

Dean smiled and grabbed the keys off of the counter.

o.O.o.O.o.O.o.O.o.O.o.O.o.O.o

He had to suppress the eye roll when he used his key, and opened the door to Cas’s studio only to find Meg sprawled out across Cas’s love seat, reading a trashy romance novel. Of course, meg was there. He should have known, because 99% of the time she followed him around like she had nothing better to do with her life. Unless she was at work, sucking blood out of people like a damn vampire (“She’s a phlebotomist, Dean. It’s a very important job.”), she was always within 20 feet of the poor man.

He looked past the offending sight, and settled his eyes on Cas. Already, his apron was covered in paint, and his hair was sticking up in a way that should have looked ridiculous. His metal stool sat a few feet behind him, abandoned, so without as much as a hello to Meg, he claimed it as his own. There wasn’t much that beat a front row seat to Cas’s creative process.

Today he was working on a landscape. A pier, the waves crashing against the supports, and a boat in the background. Dean smiled to himself and closed his eyes, taking a deep breath and letting his head fall back. The smell of linseed oil and paint thinner made him relax almost instantly. Those were the smells that made Dean think of Cas, and he couldn’t help the smile that wormed its way onto his face. He opened his eyes, and green locked with blue.

“It’s a catamaran.” Cas told him, holding eye contact.

Dean long since used to Cas’s piercing gaze, held the contact. “What is?”

He gestured behind himself. “The boat. It’s called a catamaran. Balthasar is commissioning this one.”

Dean wrinkled his nose at the name, but knew better than to say anything about Cas’s best customer. “Well, it looks great.”

Cas’s smile was enough to make up for Meg’s presence. “Thank you, Dean. I always found painting the ocean to be very calming.”

Dean opened his mouth to reply, but was cut off by a loud groan coming from Meg.

“Clarence!” She called from his position on the couch. “Why am I reading this? Its shit.”

Cas looked over towards Meg and squinted. “I told you, Meg, those books hold little substance and-”

“Blah, blah, blah.” She interrupted, causing Dean to bristle in annoyance for Cas’s sake. “I know, Cas. I don’t read these for the plot, I read these to get the feminine tingles.”

Dean groaned in disgust, but Cas chose to chuckle at his friend. “As you’ve told me…”

She sat up and trained her eyes on Cas, ignoring Dean. “This author believes I’ll think that some guy walking around in all leather, and that’s what she said…‘all leather’, is sexy. What? Is he wearing a leather jacket, leather pants, and a leather shirt? Do you know how sweaty that guy would be? Imagine the smell. Disgusting. Sounds like lazy writing to me.”

He leaned over the couch, looking closely at her open book. “It seems as if you are right.”

Dean had to look away from Cas’s displayed ass. If Meg caught him looking, she would definitely announce it to Cas, and that would be the last thing he wanted.

The man finally straightened up and turned to return to his painting, a smile on his face as he addressed Dean. “I keep telling her that she should read different books, but she never listens.”

“Oh, Dean is here?” She asked innocently. “I hadn’t noticed.”

Dean couldn’t hold back his sarcasm. “Good to see you too, Meg.”

She pouted at Cas, ignoring Dean completely. “Devon is a vampire, you see. I guess that’s why he wears leather? I dont know...its unclear. Like I said, Lazy writing.”

Cas shook his head, that ever-present fond smile still on his lips, and turned back to his painting. “Forgive her. She had a rough night at work.”

“What?” He asked, directing a raised eyebrow at Meg. “Did you get caught drinking the donations?”

“Fuck off, Winchester.” She snapped at him. “At least I have a real job, Mr. High School Education…”

For a moment, his shock rendered him silent, then his anger kicked in. “Listen, Demon. At least I don’t have to trick people into being my friend. Now, why don’t you-”

“Meg, be nice. Dean, please…” He looked Dean in the eyes, a small crease between his eyebrows. He looked like someone just kicked his kitten, and it was enough for Dean to grudgingly close his mouth. “I would like you two to get along.”

How Cas could think Dean would ever get along with Meg was beyond him. Play nice, sure, but he very much doubted that they would ever be anything close to friends. She was just…god, such a bitch. How Cas and Meg could even be friends was a mystery to him. They were complete opposites, and even Benny didn’t know how they became such good friends. In a perfect world they would never have met and Dean wouldn’t have to deal with her. But this wasn’t a perfect world and unfortunately there was no end to their friendship in sight.

Dean directed one last glare to Meg, and ignoring her taunting smile, turned back to watch Cas paint. Eventually, an alarm on his phone sounded. “Hey, we gotta go.”

Cas ignored Dean for a moment as he used a fine brush to add white to the peaks of some waves. “Just give me a few more moments.”

“Sure thing.” He leaned back and watched Cas as he finished up and put his paintbrush down with a content smile.

He clapped his hands and stood up, ready to help Cas put a few things away. “So, what do you-”

“Hey, Clarence.” She interrupted. “Can you walk me to my car?”

He turned to her. “Of course.”

“Thank you, my love.” She groaned and arched her back before getting to her feet and grabbing her army green bomber jacket. She glanced a Dean, arching her eyebrow at him in annoyance, and walked to the door, leaving Cas to trail after her.

He shrugged at Dean as if to say ‘What can you do?’ and Dean desperately wanted to tell him that he could just say no, let her go alone and maybe if he was lucky she’d get hit by a car while she was down there, but he just nodded and sat down in the spot Meg had vacated, still warm from her body heat.

Ten minutes later, he looked at his watch. They really needed to go if they wanted to make it to his brothers on time. Dean got up and glanced out of the window to the street below, but he couldn’t see them from his vantage point. Another five minutes passed and he was starting to worry that Cas had left without him. Cas wouldn’t forget that they were riding together and just leave without him, right? Two minutes later and they were definitely going to be late and it was all Megs fault, Dean was sure of it. She was probably holding him hostage at her shitty car and complaining about work or something.

It only took another minute for Dean to be fuming with anger. Of course, Meg would do this to him. She was probably down there right now, smirking because she knew that she was making them late. She  _knew_ they were going to dinner and this kind of shit was just like her. Cas was clearly too nice to pull away and tell her that he had to go. It would be up to Dean, again, to rescue him from her demonic clutches. He grabbed his leather jacket and flung it over his shoulder before locking the door behind him. He hoped he would meet Cas in the hallway, or even the stairs, but he didn’t see Cas until he exited the building and walked around the corner into the parking garage.

Cas was standing by Meg’s car, holding her in a tight hug, his arms rubbing comforting circles on her back. He felt guilty for a second since it looked like she maybe, possibly, needed to talk to him if the hug was anything to go by. But then, Meg’s eyes caught his and she winked at him, all trace of unease gone from her face. With a growl, he marched up to the pair and tapped Cas on the shoulder, gaining his attention. “Hey Cas, we have to go.”

He nodded without looking at him and whispered in her ear. She nodded and murmured “Its ok, go…” before letting him go and turning back to her car and getting in. Dean glared at her and put his hand on Cas’s elbow, pulling him away. Meg gave him a cocky wink before starting her car and driving away.

The entire way to Sammy’s house, Dean was pissed. Pulling up memory after memory of Meg purposely fucking with him. All of the thinly veiled insults. All of the times she looked at him like he was an idiot. That fucking smirk. All of the times she pulled Cas away from spending time with Dean. All of the times she purposefully riled him up just to get a reaction. The time she tried to set him up with a man right in front of Dean. Thank god Cas had said no.

“I’m sorry again, Dean.” Cas interrupted his thoughts, his voice even lower than usual. “We’re going to be late and it’s my fault.”

The fact that Cas was taking the blame, defending Meg  _again_ , was enough to get his blood boiling. “It’s ok, Cas.” Dean forced out. “Let’s just forget about it.”

He let out an audible sigh. “I know, but I still feel bad. It _was_ my fault, Dean, I-”

“Its fine.” Dean snapped, keeping his eyes on the road.

The rest of the ride was spent in silence, with Dean white knuckling the steering wheel and Cas staring out of the window.

Sam opened the door and went in for a hug immediately, and even that couldn’t make Dean relax. He was too damn keyed up, and he knew he would have to watch his mouth before he got in trouble.

“I’m sorry we’re late.” Cas told Sam into the hug, letting go with a contrite expression.

Dean scoffed, and walked away in search of a beer. Jess was in the kitchen, taking out a gorgeous roast.

She set the roast down, took off her oven mitts, and gave him a tight hug. “Good to see you, Dean.”

He smiled a bit. “Good to see you too, Jess. Smells great.”

She gave him a wink. “Thank you, wait until you taste it.” She turned to check on the baked potatoes that sat on the counter cooling in their aluminum wrappers. “Grab a beer. Dinner will be on the table in ten.”

He pulled a beer out of the refrigerator and popped the cap off before taking a large swig. “Fuck, that’s good…”

“You know I only allow the good stuff in my house.”

He smirked, finally relaxing a bit, and gulped most of his beer down. “And that’s why you are an angel.”

“Speaking of angelic…did you put the coleslaw on the table?”

Dean froze. “Fuck.” Of course, he forgot the coleslaw, of fucking course he did. Fucking Meg. “Uh, it’s at home. Sorry Jess.”

She pouted. “It’s ok, Dean. I have side of vegetables about to come out of the oven, so it will be fine.”

Dean did not feel better, in fact, he felt worse. If all of that shit hadn’t gone on with Meg, he would have remembered to swing by his house and pick up the coleslaw. Fighting back his anger, he nodded and drained the last of his beer before reaching for another one. With a forced smile, he went back out to the living room, only to find Sam sitting next to Cas on the love seat. Which was fine. It wasn’t like Dean owned the exclusive rights to sit next to Cas on a couch. He was fine sitting on the Lazy Boy. It was fine, really. Everything was so fucking fine…he crossed his arms and watched Sam talking to Cas quietly. He took a swig of his beer and set it down on the coffee table.

Blessedly, Jess called Sam into the kitchen, and they were soon walking the food out to their dining table. They sat, said a quick grace, and dug in.

“So, how was your painting session?” Jess asked Cas as she passed him some butter.

He accepted the dish and put a small pat on his baked potato before answering. “It was very productive, thank you for asking. Meg came with me and she is always good company.”

Dean snorted loudly, and covered it up with a fake cough. He awkwardly took a sip of his beer, finishing it off. Had he already finished his second beer? “Sorry, choked on something.”

“Can I get you some water?” Jess asked him.

He stood up and went back to the kitchen for another beer. “I’m fine, thanks.”

Cas nodded, frowning at him. The man looked too suspicious for Deans taste, but he was getting to the point where he didn’t give a shit if Cas knew he hated Meg’s guts. “Balthasar commissioned a painting of his catamaran, which I think is a lovely idea. Meg suggested that I paint it with a pier in the background, and I thought that was a brilliant since Balthasar moved to Oceanside, California when he came across the pond. They have a beautiful pier. Adding that kind of personal touch, I’m sure, would please Balthasar.”

Dean rolled his eyes at Meg’s brilliant idea, and sat down heavily. He could have thought of that easily. “Pass the roast, Sammy.”

Sam barely paid him any mind as he passed Dean the meat. “I think it’s great that Balthasar found you, Cas. He sounds like a great customer.”

Cas smiled, taking a bite out of his pile of vegetables. “Have I ever told you how we became acquainted?”

Jess put down her cutlery and nodded to Cas encouragingly. “I don’t think you have.”

Even Dean listened in, trying to appear as if he wasn’t. He had never heard the story of how Cas got acquainted with his best patron. Probably had something to do with Meg, that bitch.

“Well, it was actually Meg who introduced us.”

Dean shook his head and dropped his fork in annoyance, folding his arms across his chest. Where the fuck had he put that beer? “Of course.”

Cas paused to frown at Dean, and continued quietly, the frown never leaving his face. “Its an interesting story. Her roommate in college was a ‘sugar baby’ and would get all manner of gifts from her ‘daddy’-”

Jess let out a chuckle, causing everyone to look at her. “Sorry, its just…you said ‘daddy’ and I…Sorry, go on.”

Cas’s frown finally faded into a smile. “Alright, then. Her roommate’s ‘daddy’ was friends with Balthasar, and whenever allowed, Meg would come along with them to events. It was at an event where she met Balthasar and they became friends somehow. It was soon after I became friends with Meh that she showed him some of my work, behind by back I might add, and he was impressed. Immediately, he bought some paintings and started recommending me to his friends.”

“Wow…” Sammy shook his head in amazement. “That’s incredible.”

He nodded. “All told, I owe my success to Meg.”

Dean scoffed loudly, not caring that everyone turned to look. That fucking explained it. They were probably only friends because he felt like he owed her something, and she was probably milking it for all that it was worth. That would explain why he painted for her so damn much. She was practically blackmailing him, and Dean wouldn’t stand for it anymore. She’d probably milk him dry and once she dumped him, she’d sell the paintings for a large sum of money.

He took a deep breath, readying himself for what he was about to do. It was time for some tough love. “Cas…”

Cas was already looking at him. “Are you alright, Dean? Are you catching a cold?”

Dean shook his head and wet his throat with a large gulp of his beer, the nice buzzed feeling sinking into his body. “No, Cas, I’m fine.”

Cas’s eyebrows pinched together in the middle. “Are you sure? You keep-”

Dean cut him off. “Listen Cas, Meg is no good for you.”

The light murmur of Jess and Sammy talking in the background stopped abruptly and Cas froze, all eyes (in varying levels of surprise) zeroed in on Dean. “Excuse me?”

He steeled himself against their expressions. “Meg…she’s just using you.”

Cas shook his head. “Dean, you don’t-”

“No, Cas. Stop.” Dean watched as Cas’s mouth snapped shut. The man’s eyes a stormy blue as he watched Dean with a firm set to his jaw. “Meg is using you, and you’re too nice to see it. I’m not. She’s a bitch Cas. She’s rude, and crass, and is mean to you sometimes and you cant even see it because you’re blind to it because you’re grateful she jumpstarted your career! You need to cut her off, Cas. She’s toxic!”

“That’s what you think?” His voice was low. “That I’m only friends with her because I’m grateful?”

Dean was too blind in his anger to see the fury reflected in Cas’s eyes. “Yes! She’s no good for you, Cas. She’ll just end up hurting you!”

“Just as you are, right now?”

“No, Cas.” He reached out and placed a comforting hand on Cas’s shoulder. “I’m doing you a favor, trust me. Once she’s sucked you dry, she’s going to throw you away like garbage.”

Cas slapped his hands on the hardwood loudly, causing both Dean and Jessica to jump in their seats. He stood up quickly, his chair scraping loudly on the wood. “Meg is non-negotiable, Dean.” He turned to Sam. “Thank you for the meal. As usual, it was delicious.” And then he was gone and Deans mouth was hanging open.

Did that really just happen? Did he really just walk out on them when all Dean was trying to do was help?

Dean turned to Sam, who was looking helplessly at his wife as she stood up and scurried after Cas’s retreating form. Once she was out of the room, Sam was able to turn the full force of his kicked-puppy look towards Dean. “Dean…”

His mouth finally snapped shut, and he stood slowly. Had he gone too far? But at that point, the door clicked shut and Jess was walking back, her face a stone mask. She went back to eating her food without saying a word. Dean sat back down and picked up his fork. Between Sammy’s continued bitch face and pursed lips, and Jessica’s blank expression, he knew that he was leaving as soon as his dinner was over. Dean ate to the sound of cutlery scraping on porcelain plates, and the sighs Sammy was letting out every 20 seconds.

“Well…” Dean put his knife and fork down on his plate, only then noticing that he had eaten his serving of vegetables without complaint. “Thank you for dinner, but I think I should go.”

“Dean…” Sammy started.

Not willing to sit around and be scolded by his little brother, Dean stood up and grabbed his jacket off of the back of the couch. “Seriously, thank you for dinner, but…”

Sam opened his mouth, but was cut off by his wife. “We’ll call you later, Dean. Please, walk home. Baby will be fine here overnight.”

Dean nodded and walked towards the door, taking a deep breath once he hit the clear summer air. He sighed to himself as he began the twenty-minute walk. Cas would get over it…Dean was sure. He’d come crawling back once he realized that Dean knew what was best for Cas.

o.O.o.O.o.O.o.O.o.O.o.O.o.O.o

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pay attention to the added tags. Added tags contain spoiler? I dont know. Nothing graphic, I promise you. Just talk.
> 
> One more chapter.
> 
> Oh, and Dean DIDN'T behave himself, so rating stays at a T.

Dean paced his living room, the sounds of Dr. Sexy going in one ear and out the other. His phone, abandoned, sat on the coffee table. Its volume had been turned up to the loudest setting, its ringtone changed to the most obnoxious one he owned so there would be no chance he would miss a call or text no matter where he was. Yet, other than a few texts from Sam and Benny, nothing had come. It had been a week! A whole week had gone by and there had been no contact from Cas. Dean was ready to march over to Cas’s house and demand he stop ignoring him. Normally, Dean would get a few texts a day, ranging from a simple greeting, to cute animal GIF’s. So, to not have received a single text from the man was making him angrier by the second.

Cas was really showing his true colors here, Dean couldn’t help but think. That he would just ignore Dean for a whole week just because he was too prideful to apologize, was really showing Dean how Cas felt about their friendship. Cas was supposed to be his friend. Hell, Cas was Deans  _best_  friend.

He angrily grabbed his phone and started typing.

_To Benny_ _: what the fuck is up with him?_

He threw his phone onto the couch and turned the volume up on the TV, trying to concentrate, but it was proving impossible. Was Cas choosing Meg over him? Was Cas ignoring him because Meg got her disgusting claws into him? Was she with him right now, whispering into his ear about how Cas didn’t need Dean?

His phone chirped loudly and he picked it up.

_From benny_ _: Who?_

Dean ground his teeth, his jaw aching with tension.

_To benny_ _: Cas. He’s been ignoring me._

Benny’s reply was instant.

_From Benny_ _: What did you do?_

Dean scoffed loudly. What did Dean do? What did  _Dean_  do? He hit the call button, hardly waiting for Benny to answer before he was snapping. “I didn’t do shit. Why the fuck do you think-”

“Woah!” Benny interrupted, cutting Dean off. “Dean…calm down.”

“I am calm!” He gritted, rubbing at the wrinkles that were surely forming between his brows.

“Take a deep breath and relax.”

Dean rolled his eyes, but took that deep breath anyways. Benny didn’t deserve to get yelled at, so he tried to control his voice when he continued. “Sorry, Benny.”

“You sound a little stressed. You ok?” Benny inquired.

Stressed was an understatement, but he wasn’t going to voice that aloud. “I’m fine, Benny.”

“Uh-huh.” Benny said, clearly unconvinced. “What’s going on?”

“We had an argument.” Dean admitted. “He’s being ridiculous.”

The other man chuckled. “Usually Cas is pretty level headed, so I’m finding it hard to believe that Cas did something. What did you fight about?”

“Yeah, I know he’s usually pretty calm.” Dean got up and started pacing again. “Which is why I’m so annoyed right now. He needs to relax or something. Paint the ocean or whatever, and then give me a call.”

“So, what happened then?” Benny prompted.

“He was talking about that fuckin-” He stopped to take a deep breath through his nose. “He was talking about _Meg_ , and I got fed up of him always singing her praises, so I told him how it was.”

Benny was silent for a moment. “You what?”

Dean nodded. “Yeah. She’s bad for him, you know? A total bitch, so I let him know.”

Benny took another long pause. “Dean, you  _know_  they’re friends.”

“Yeah, doesn’t mean she isn’t a demon in a woman’s body…”

“But Dean….”

Dean wasn’t about to let Benny pretend he liked her. “I know you agree, Benny. Don’t think I didn’t catch all of those times you were annoyed with her. You don’t like her too. Don’t try to pretend you do.”

“I  _do_  like her, though.”

 

“Benny. No you don’t. She’s rude to me, she’s rude to you, fuck- she’s rude to everyone. You  _know_  how she is! And you know Cas would be better off if he cut her out of his life!”

 

“But, Dean…just because you feel that way, doesn’t mean  _he_  feels that way. That doesn’t really mean _anyone_ else feels that way.”

“Yeah, because he’s too blinded by the rainbows shooting out of her ass to see it!”

“Rainbows?”

Dean rolled his eyes. “You know…he thinks she’s perfect. Apparently, she was the one who helped him start his career, so he probably thinks he owes her.”

“You seem to think awfully little of Cas, Dean.” He sighed into the phone. “Cas is a big boy, he can decide who his friends are.”

“Yeah! But not when they’re so clearly bad for him!” He absently searched through his fridge for a beer. “She’ll just end up hurting him, Benny, and I can’t let her do that.”

“Ok, Dean. I know that’s how you feel, but don’t you think you should have kept your mouth shut? It’s kind of, I don’t know…why is it your job to tell him who his friends should be?”

He stood up quickly, his grip tightening around the beer bottle. “I’m not telling him who his friends should be!”

“Dean…”

“Listen, you can’t tell me that she actually likes Cas, she’s just milking him dry.”

“Actually, Dean, I think she cares for Cas very much. You just can’t see it.”

“What the fuck? She’s a total bitch!” He yelled in annoyance. “The only person she cares about is herself!”

“And that’s why you can’t see it.” Benny sighed loudly into the phone. “Can I come over, Brother?”

“Benny…” Dean groaned and looked around his messy apartment. Beer bottles and takeout containers littered every available surface, and Dean himself was beginning to smell a little ripe. “Yeah, fine. Come over in thirty?”

“Sure, bother. I’ll see you soon.” The line clicked and Dean grabbed a trash bag.

Thirty minutes later, the front room was clean, Dean was freshly showered, and he was driving himself crazy wondering why Benny wanted to continue the conversation in person. Especially considering there was nothing that the man could say that would make him believe that Cas was anything but in the wrong. Cas had fucked up, had been so ungrateful to Dean that he would need a pretty damn good apology to forgive Cas for the way he had acted. Cas also owed Jess and Sam a big apology for making such a scene in their dining room.

There was a light rapping on his door and benny let himself in, long ago having been given a copy of Deans house keys. “Dean?”

“In the kitchen!” Dean yelled back. “Want something to drink?”

Benny poked his head in. “No thanks, I just wanted to talk.”

Dean sighed, readying himself for the man’s words. Out of respect, he’d allow Benny to have his say, but that didn’t mean that Dean was changing his mind about the whole situation any time soon. “Okay…”

“Lets…uh…” Benny looked unsure for a moment, and Dean felt a bit of unease in his stomach. “Let’s sit down and talk for a bit.”

“Benny…” Dean took a deep breath and sat next to his friend. “I didn’t say anything that wasn’t already obvious to everyone else. Cas just wasn’t seeing things that were right in front of his eyes.”

Benny rubbed at his scruff and sighed heavily. “Did I ever tell you how I met Cas?”

“Yeah. At the gym, right?”

He nodded. “Yeah, but I never told you the whole story.”

Dean sighed. “Is it important? You met him at the gym, he came in to work out and you became friends. What does this have to do with anything?”

“I’m just trying to…” He grunted in annoyance, searching for his words. “I’ve experienced it first hand, Dean. Meg cares for him, and I’m going to tell you what I know so you can understand a little better.”

Dean folded his arms across his chest. “Yeah, whatever. Good luck with that, Man.”

Benny took a few moments to start. “Before I get going, how much do you know about how Meg and Cas became friends?”

Dean bristled at the mention of her name. “Don’t know, don’t care.”

Benny rolled his eyes and leaned back into the cushions. “Ok, I’ll tell you then. But first, let me get my side out. So, I had been working at that gym for a few months the first time I can actually recall seeing him come in. You get a lot of regulars at the gym, and Cas was one of mine. He always came in during the night shift, every single day I was there. Didn’t really talk much in the beginning, only really saying hello and goodbye.” Benny paused and looked at Dean, but it was unneeded since Dean was glued to Benny’s story.

“Go on…” Dean prompted.

“So, after a month or so, I started noticing something. I probably would have noticed it sooner, but late at night there was only me and one other employee, so I was pretty busy since a lot of people come in after work. But I noticed he would never work out. Which was odd, you know? He’d come in, disappear for about 45 minutes, and then leave. I didn’t know him well, so obviously I start thinking he’s doing something shady in the bathroom. Drugs, or something.”

Dean let out a scoff at the idea of Cas doing drugs. “He would never.”

Benny nodded. “Yeah, but I didn’t know that. So, I start popping my head in the locker room to check on things. Found out that he came in, took a shower, changed clothes, and then shaved. Every day. Nothing else. And I thought, oh…his shower must be busted or something. That happens a lot, and people will get a temporary membership for the month their bathroom is getting repaired or remodeled. So, I think ‘Ok, that’s fine.’, and I get back to work. One day, I finished up work at 11pm and left, only to find myself parked next to a Continental.”

“Cas’s car…” Dean whispered, unsure if he wanted Benny to continue since he had a sinking feeling he knew what was going.

“Yeah, and there was Cas…asleep in the back seat.” Benny took a deep breath. “It was really hard to get into my truck and drive away. Every night, I looked for his car, and 5 out of ten days it was there. So was Cas, asleep in the back.”

“He was…” Dean couldn’t say the words out loud. “He didn’t have anywhere to stay?”

“No. And the next day when I logged into the system, I checked his membership record and it said he’d been a member for almost six months. So, I don’t know if he was…homeless...that the whole time, but…”

“And Meg?” Dean was desperate to know where Meg fit into all of this.

“I’ll get there…” He scolded. “After that, I start helping him out when I could. Anytime a company dropped off samples, I’d save them for him. Protein bars, drinks, sometimes things that would expire soon…I’d just write them off a few days early and hand them over. I even let him charge his phone behind the desk if he needed it. It was like pulling teeth, I tell you, to let me help him. I think he knew what I was doing…I mean, it was pretty damn obvious that I was giving  _him_  all of this stuff, and no one else. But what I’m trying to say is that he didn’t look good. Skinny, you know? He wasn’t getting sleep, you could tell, I can imagine how uncomfortable that car was, so he always looked tired. Then, suddenly, he was gone for a week. I was terrified. He was there every day for months, and then suddenly he was gone and I thought he died, or something. That he was lying in a ditch, starving to death or something. I almost got fired that week, I was so damn distracted. Every time the door opened, and he wasn’t the one coming in I got more and more freaked out.”

“Oh, god…” Dean whispered. “What-”

Benny shook his head, silently cutting him off. “Then suddenly he was back. And he still looked like shit, but he walked up to me and asked me how my day was, totally unprompted. Before, it was like pulling teeth to get him to have a conversation with you, and even then, you could tell he wanted to run away. He even asked me how Andrea’s pregnancy was going, and I swear, I didn’t even know that he had paid attention to our conversations, let alone remembered my wife’s name. We talked for a few minutes, he went to the locker room, and came right back out in some gym shorts, got on a treadmill, and started running like he’d been doing it for years. I was shocked. This whole time, he had never worked out, and when he was finished with his run, he goes back in, grabs his backpack, and leaves. No shower. I searched that damn parking lot for ten minutes after my shift, and his car wasn’t there. Looked every day for a week, and he was never there.”

“Did he find a place?”

Benny nodded. “The next day, he’s back. I ask him if he wanted me to charge his phone for him, and he said he didn’t need it. Then I stand there for a minute, trying to figure out how I could get some information from him, and suddenly he just says ‘Thank you’ and I ask him what he was thanking me for, and he just looked at me like he could see my soul, you know?”

Dean nodded, he did know.

“He said ‘For taking care of me’ and I kind of just brushed it off, because I didn’t do much. I just gave him food, nothing anyone else wouldn’t have done. He shook his head and told me that he was living with a friend now, and he just wanted to thank me for my kindness. And I just get pissed. What kind of friend lets someone be homeless for who knows how long, and then suddenly decides he could stay with them, you know? Or, maybe they just didn’t notice. I couldn’t decide what was worse. But he just smiles and says that his friend was having a get together and he wanted to know if I could come. Obviously, I care about Cas and want to give this friend a piece of my mind so I agreed to come. A few days later I show up, and finally meet Meg. Immediately, I confront her. Why the hell had she let Cas be homeless for so long?”

“What did she say?” Dean asked, angry at her all over again. If it had been Dean, he never would have allowed a friend to sleep in their car for months. And if she hadn’t known? Then it was just as bad.

“She looked me in the eyes and-” He paused. “You know how she has that look that makes you feel like shit? Well, she gave me that look and tells me that they have only been friends for a week. Apparently, they were acquaintances for a while, but they didn’t actually become friends until a week ago. The week he disappeared.”

Dean was shocked into silence, unsure of how to process everything that he had just been told. “But, what…”

Benny shrugged. “I don’t know, I never asked. I think it’s pretty obvious, though. I think as soon as she found out he was homeless she let him move in with her. And how could I be mad at her after that, you know? That’s amazing. She let someone who was a complete stranger move in with her. She didn’t even know him.”

Benny clasped his hands on his lap, his face sad. “There was one more time- well, there were actually a lot- and I can’t tell you much, Dean. You need to understand this before I say  _anything._  Hell, even I don’t know the full situation and if Cas had his way, I wouldn’t know any of it…”

Oh, god…he thought. There was more?

Benny didn’t react to the distressed sound that left Deans mouth. “A year ago, not long after Cas and I became friends, I went to one of Meg’s parties. Cas got a bit drunk. Well, really drunk.”

Dean frowned. “I thought he didn’t drink.”

“He usually doesn’t, and I don’t think he’s had a drink since. We got pulled into a drunken game of spin the bottle and eventually it was Cas’s turn.” Benny took a deep breath, and his cagey expression was making Dean nervous. “God, I don’t know if I should be telling you this…Shit. It landed on someone, don’t remember who and it doesn’t matter, so he kisses them. It, uh…didn’t end well. After Cas kissed them, he didn’t look too good.” Benny huffed. “God, how do I explain this? He immediately stood up to leave, to which I thought ‘Huh, that’s weird’, but I didn’t think anything of it until Meg got up and followed after him. So, I went too. I found them in his bedroom, Dean, and he was crying.”

“He was crying?” Dean asked, his heart clenching for his friend.

Benny ignored him, his mind clearly stuck in the past. “I walked in on Meg comforting Cas. And like I said, I don’t think Cas ever intended for me to know…but he was drunk and obviously not in a good place. So I sat next to him and rubbed his back and listened through twenty minutes of Cas talking about what a piece of shit he was, and how he would always be alone. How he should have-” Benny shook his head and took a shuddering breath. “He was convinced that no one would love him and that he was broken. Dean, It killed me. He mentioned a man named Michael, and I think it was an old boyfriend who was…not nice to him.”

“Oh god.”

“And Meg, she just sat there and reassured him and told him that she loved him and she did everything I  _couldn’t_  do because I was just sitting there, frozen like an idiot. After he calmed down, she put him in bed, made sure he was going to be ok, and then we waited until he fell asleep. After we left, Meg just…” he sighed and rubbed at his eyes, forcing back tears. “That was the only time I ever saw her cry.”

“Fuck.”

“Yeah. She told me some things, and Dean…you know I love you, but I can’t tell you what she told me. Just know, Dean, that they have been through a lot together. A lot. She  _saved_  him, Dean. She saved Cas. She is the reason he is the way he is. She’s the reason he got his life on track. I know you love him, Dean, it’s obvious to everyone.” Dean almost started protesting, but Benny continued talking. “But you need to understand that Meg is there to stay. Permanently.”

“Oh shit…” Dean mumbled. “I fucked up.”

Benny looked exhausted. “Yeah. You can’t just…Dean, I know you love him. Hell, everyone knows, maybe even Cas, but you can’t just tell people who they can and can’t be friends with!”

“That wasn’t what I was trying to do…” He mumbled, unable to look at his friend. “I just thought…” he trailed off, unsure of what to say. He had thought he was doing what was best for his friend. He had thought he was helping. Now, he was just ashamed of himself. “Fuck. Benny, I don’t know what to do.”

Benny reached across the couch and squeezed his shoulder. “Well, you know you need to apologize to Cas.”

Dean nodded absently. “Yeah.”

“And Meg.” Benny added.

He flinched. “Yeah. You’re right.”

“Cas is a very understanding guy, Dean. You know that. I just want you to be prepared that he might not be ready to forgive you.”

He nodded to convey his understanding, but inside, his heart was sitting somewhere next to his stomach. He mind was having trouble wrapping around all that he just learned, and the only thought going through his mind was: You fucked up.

 _You fucked up_ , Dean repeated in his mind.  _Bad. How would you feel if Benny came up to you and told you not to be friends with Cas anymore? You’d tell him to fuck right off, yet you hadn’t even let Cas get a word in. You treated the man you were supposedly in love with like a child. Like he wasn’t capable of picking his own friends, making his own choices. You had been so mad at Meg that you weren’t able to see that you hurt him…_

Benny got up quietly, and clapped him on the shoulder, jolting him out of his spiral. “I’m going to go home, Dean. Call me if you need to talk.”

Before dean could even formulate a reply, the front door was clicking shut, and Dean was left alone in his living room.

o.O.o.O.o.O.o.O.o.O.o.O.o.O.o

His clothes were free of lint, but he brushed at them nervously anyways. The closet at home looked like a warzone, and he’d need to do something about the massive pile of clothes on his bed, but he was finally able to scrounge together an outfit that he felt comfortable in. A classic green plaid, and some old but comfortable jeans. If he was going to put himself in the uncomfortable position of a face to face apology, then he wanted to at least dress comfortably and he owed it to Cas to look presentable.

Dean took a deep breath and knocked on Cas’s door, praying that Meg wouldn’t be the one to answer it. He owed her an apology too, Dean knew it, but he wasn’t sure he could do two in one night. It was way too soon that he heard footsteps, too heavy to be Meg’s, and the click of a lock before the door was opened to reveal Cas.

He looked gorgeous. Cas’s hair was damp, and his skin had a healthy hint of pink to it. Clearly, he had just gotten out of a hot shower, and if the loose shirt and plaid pajama bottoms were anything to go by, he was planning a day of lounging. When dean was finally able to draw his eyes to Cas’s face, he saw the dark circles and the pale complexion, all things that Dean knew without a shadow of doubt were his doing. “Hey.”

Cas sighed, his face a mask of indifference. “What do you want?”

“Cas…” Dean paused to scramble for words. He had been expecting anger, had been prepared for it…but this. This stony indifference…he didn’t know what to do with. “I wanted to come and say I’m sorry…”

Cas nodded. “Okay.”

Again, Dean was left fishing around his head for words. Instantly, he regretted that he showed up without a practiced apology. “I, um, hope you can forgive me.”

He raised his eyebrows. “What am I forgiving you for?”

Dean gaped at Cas. Any hope that Cas would make things easy on him vanished. “I’m sorry that you were hurt by what I said.”

The first hint of emotion began to slip onto Cas’s stoic face, and it wasn’t the expression he was hoping for. “What?”

The pinched expression on Cas’s face was throwing Dean off, so he did the only thing he could think of. He bumbled onward. “Yeah, I’m sorry that I offended you.”

“You’re sorry you offended me?” He repeated incredulously.

He nodded. “Thing were said that- Fuck, uh…I felt like I had no choice, man. I was kinda buzzed, you know? I was on my third beer by the time we sat down for dinner and then you started talking about Meg, and you  _know_  I don’t like her-”

“Stop!” Cas yelled, and Dean jumped at the sudden outburst. “Are you placing the blame on me? This is what you’ve come to say? That you’re sorry I got hurt? That you’re sorry, but it wasn’t your fault?”

“No!” he held his hands up in defense. “It was my fault! I’m just trying to explain myself.”

Cas looked unimpressed. “So, you’ve come to present me with your excuses.”

Deans eyes widened. “No! Of course not, I just wanted-”

Cas cut him off, steel in his eyes. “You cant even take responsibility for your mistakes? I don’t want to hear it, Dean. If that is all, you need to leave. Now.”

Dean was frozen in his place. “No! Please, Cas. I talked to Benny, last night and he told me some stuff I didn’t know, and I-”

“Oh.” Cas interrupted, his cheeks flushing with embarrassment and anger. “You talked to Benny? What did he tell you?”

He shuffled his feet. “He, uh…told me a story or two about you and Meg.”

“Oh, Yeah? And how do you feel about her now, Dean?”

“I mean, I guess she’s not that bad.” He mumbled, hoping that was what Cas wanted to hear.

“So she has your approval?” His voice began creeping up in loudness. “Its ok when someone else tells you that she’s ‘not that bad’, but not when I do?”

“Cas, no. I-”

“You cant just be ok with her because she’s my friend? You cant handle being around the woman who is the only reason I am alive today?” The red-faced anger suddenly turned into a sadness that Dean had never before seen on Cas’s face.

Deans stomach swooped. “What?”

“I was the last one to find out I didn’t have any friends, Dean.” He blinked hard, forcing the building tears away. “They were all  _his_  friends, Dean. Do you know what its like to not only loose a boyfriend, but everyone else you knew? To one day have everyone you knew pretending like you didn’t exist? Not answering your calls? Not willing to help? Everyone I had known before him was long gone by that point, Dean. I had no one. No family…no friends…until Meg came along. Do you understand that, Dean?”

Dean flinched, taking a step back. He had never seen Cas so torn up before. “Cas…”

“Meg was a shining beacon of light in a world full of darkness. I was-” He choked out a sob, tears streaming down his face. “I was ready to kill myself, Dean. Do you know what is like to have no one? To have no family? No place to call a home? To feel like your life means  _nothing?_  To have someone tell you that you mean nothing? She saved me, Dean. And you expected me to stop hanging out with her because you don’t  _like_  her?”

“Cas, I-”

“I was this close Dean.” He held up his fingers, pinching them close together. “If she hadn’t have called me when she did…if she had waited one more minute…I would not be alive, Dean. I had already made up my mind. I was going to kill myself. I was already-” He stopped himself, a shaking hand coming up to cover his mouth.

“I didn’t know, Cas.”

He swiped angrily at his eyes. “You need to leave, Dean.”

“But I-”

There was steel in his watery blue eyes. “Now.”

“No, Cas…I need-” Before Dean could finish his sentence, the door was slammed in his face. He was left staring at the blue front door, tears prickling in his eyes and no idea if he would ever see Cas again. One phrase repeated itself in his mind over and over again as he stared at the closed door.

_You fucked up._

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is marked as part of a series as a reason. I know I didnt go into much depth about Cas's past, but after I'm done with this story I'm writing another in Cas's perspectivve where I dive into his time with Michael, what happened after, and how Meg got involved.


	3. Chapter 3

Dean laid in bed, hardly able to get up to use the bathroom, let alone get a cup of coffee and start his day. He had already called Bobby and let the man know he was sick, and although it was clear Bobby didn’t believe him, the man didn’t push him too hard. Finding the motivation to get up and make breakfast was proving difficult. He just wanted to lay in bed and go back to sleep. At least that way he would be able to get Cas out of his mind, even it if was only temporary. _God_ , Dean thought, _he was so fucking selfish._

The conversation from last night played over and over in his head. Cas yelling at him, the tears running down his face as he told Dean that he had wanted to die. Dean numbly walking back to his car, only to be unable to drive through the clenching of his heart and the blur of tears in his eyes. When Dean had finally made it to bed that night, he dreamt that he was falling, Cas plummeting along side him. “Pull the chord!” Dean was yelling at Cas, gesturing at the parachute on his back, but Cas just shook his head in refusal. Suddenly, Dean’s chute deployed, and he was jerked as it caught air. He was forced to watch Cas fall out of his reach, the parachute never opening. Dean woke up hysterical, in tears and knowing that he wouldn’t know what to do if Cas wasn’t in his life.

He sent Benny a text, letting him know that things hadn’t gone well. The man had immediately called him, but Dean couldn’t bring himself to answer the phone. Dean couldn’t lay down and listen to Benny make him feel worse. He was doing that well enough on his own.

Dean closed his eyes and shifted in his hot bed, not even bothering to push the warm blankets off of himself. What Benny had said ran through his mind. Apparently, everyone could see that Meg cared about Cas  _but_  Dean. Dean was too blinded by hate…jealousy…to see what was in front of him. And apparently what was in front of him was a Meg that really cared for her friend. A woman was selfless enough to rescue someone she barely knew from homelessness. He tried to search his mind for any time he could have misinterpreted Meg’s actions as being anything but catty, but was drawing up a bank.

Well…He guessed there were all of the times she made him laugh, or the fond looks they always share. And didn’t that just make him feel worse? He obviously cared for her. Loved her in a way you could only know a friend whose been through shit with you. He was constantly talking about her because she was his best friend, just like Dean was always talking about Cas…and the man was right…he should have just accepted it. Or, god forbid, talked to her about it. Maybe try to come up with some kind of truce. He didn’t know if it would have worked, but it seemed like now he would never know.

With his eyes closed, he let out a deep breath. He had to fix this, had to at least try, but how would he do it? Apologize again, after the first time had gone so poorly? Send him a goddamn fruit basket? Buy him something personal? Something that showed Dean cared about him? He shook his head. Cas made tons of money, could afford a lavish life style if he wanted, but Cas wasn’t that kind of person. He had many patrons that dropped obscene amounts of money on one of his paintings, yet he still drove around that shitty Continental, he still lived in a two-bedroom apartment with Meg. He could fix that at any time, could buy a large house with a room dedicated to painting, could replace his car with anything that he wanted…but Cas was nothing if not sentimental. He would probably keep that car until he drove it into the ground, and then he’d come to Dean and beg him to fix it.

His front door clicked, and swung open, startling Dean out of his thoughts. For a second, he thought it might be Cas, but there was no way Cas would come over after the kind of shit Dean said to him…after that horrible apology. Foot steps made their way through his apartment, not once stopping on their way to his bedroom. He closed his eyes and waited for the inevitable. Only three people had a key to his house, so either it would be Sam, with his bitch face and shaming words, or it would be Benny with his sadness and understanding. He didn’t know which he was less in the mood for.

A third option, which he hadn’t even considered, happened to be Jess.

“God, Dean. You smell.” She walked over to the window and jerked open the curtains, flooding the room with the harsh afternoon light. “Get up.”

Dean groaned and pulled the sweaty blanket over his head. “Jessica…leave. Please.”

The corner of the bed dipped with her weight. “No, Dean. Sam told me what’s going on. It’s been three days, get up.”

“Leave.” He groaned weakly.

“What are you going to do, Dean? Lay in bed for another day? We’re going to make things right, so get your ass up.”

“I don’t deserve it.” He whispered, his eyes getting moist.

He felt a sharp jab to his ribs, and he jerked in surprise. Jess was staring at him, unimpressed. “This isn’t about you, Dean.”

He looked away. Again, he was making things about him. He was such a shitty person. “I know.”

“Do you?” she asked him. “You need to make things right for Cas, Dean. Not for yourself.”

Dean owed it to Cas, he knew that, but it didn’t make things easier. “Ok. Lets do that.”

She smiled. “You should just be happy Sam isn’t the one here right now. I caught him in the middle of preparing a PowerPoint. He had printouts, Dean. Printouts.”

“Maybe I need a Power Point…”

Jess reached out to jab him again. “Should I call him?”

“No.” he shook his head. “How does Sam know what’s going on?”

She rolled her eyes. “Benny called Cas to check on him, and then Benny let Sam know what was going on because he was worried about you and you weren’t answering your phone.”

“Benny called Cas?” He let the blanket fall to his lap as he sat up. “How is he?”

She looked away. “Not good.”

Dean squeezed his eyes shut and fell back into his pillow. “I’m such a shit person.”

“Dean…” She flopped backwards, her back resting perpendicular over his legs. “You fucked up. You know it. I know it. Cas sure as hell knows it. I’m going to try and help, ok?”

“But I’ve done so much…”

“What were you going to do, then?” She gestured around his room. “Just sulk in this bedroom and hope it fixes itself?”

“I don’t know. I haven’t been able to think of anything.” Dean didn’t want to tell her that he had written himself off as a lost cause, not worthy of Cas’s friendship. Not worthy of being loved in return.

She clapped her hands and Dean flinched at the loud noise. “Well, aren’t you glad you have me? I have a few ideas for you.” She reached over and shoved Dean’s hip. “Get up. Shower. Put some clean clothes on. Try and act like a functional human.”

He sighed and threw the blanket off of himself and let Jess help him up. She wandered off, leaving Dean alone in his bedroom. He slugged through his normal morning routine. Once he showered, his teeth were brushed, and his clothes were put on, he made his way to the smell of cooking bacon. The growling of his stomach was a clear indicator that he had severely underestimated his hunger level.

“Ok…” she slapped a stack of papers in front of him after he scarfed down two eggs, bacon, and a slice of toast. “This is where we’re going to start.”

He frowned at her. “What is all of this?”

“These are some of Sam’s printouts.” She waved his concern away. “Don’t worry, I only grabbed a few.”

He nervously thumbed through the stack. There had to be at least ten papers in there, half of which were sheets of lined paper. He pulled those out first. “These?”

“Those are for your apology.”

“My apology?” He repeated. “I already-”

She cut him off. “Yeah, I know. You’re doing it again.” She grabbed the second sheet of paper. “That’s what this is for.”

He took the sheet from her and read the title. “How to apologize properly?”

She nodded. “Yeah.”

“But I already apologized. He’d never let me near enough to do it again.”

“I know.” She rolled her eyes at him. “This is about how to do it right.”

“You want me to hand write an apology?”

“Yeah. And then hand deliver it.”

He shook his head. “I don’t know…”

“Come on, it will be like Pride and Prejudice, but not that shitty Kiera Nightly one…” She tapped the paper again. “You are Darcy, he is Elizabeth.”

He shook his head. “But what if he doesn’t read it?”

She shrugged. “Then he doesn’t read it.”

Dean stared at her for a moment in confusion. “What’s the point if he doesn’t read it?”

“Listen, Dean…I know my beefcake of a husband got all of the good genes, but are you telling me that you don’t at least want to try?”

Dean shook his head vehemently. “It’s not that! I just don’t want to make it worse.”

“And this won’t, I promise you. You’re going to do it right this time. Then, you’re putting the ball in his court. He gets to choose if he reads it or not, gets to choose if he wants to respond. Last time you just marched over. You didn’t even call to give the poor guy a warning.”

“Makes sense…” Dean mumbled, glancing again at the printout. “Step 1: Express remorse…”

She handed him a pen and placed a blank sheet of paper on top of the stack. “Start expressing. Say you’re sorry.”

He placed the pen to the paper and sighed.

 _Dear Cas,_    
_I’m sorry for the things I said to you, both at dinner and at your house._

He showed her the first line and watched nervously as she read. “That’s a start, Dean. Now, what specifically are you sorry for? Go with that next. And remember, no excuses. Be honest. Don’t pussyfoot around anything.”

_I wish I hadn’t told you that you shouldn’t be friends with Meg. It wasn’t my place, and I had no right to tell you who you should be friends with. I said some horrible things about her, and I’m sorry I insulted your friend like that. I realized its because I was jealous that you and her were so close._

She stopped him. “Good, good. Now what are you going to do to fix that?”

“Fix what?” he asked. “The thing with Meg?”

“Yeah, how are you going to right you wrong?”

“Uh…apologize to her too?” He asked, his forehead crinkling. “But how? She’ll ever agree to meet with me.”

Jess smirked at him. “She already has.”

“What?”

“Yeah, I asked her and she said yes.” She flipped her blond hair over her shoulder. “Go on…tell me you love me.”

“You asked her?” His jaw dropped. “When? How?”

She shrugged. “At the game.”

“Game?” he questioned.

Now it was her turn to frown. “Yeah…the game.” She gave him a strange look. “Dean…you do know we’re on the same softball team, right?”

He shook his head, dumbfounded. “No…I knew you played, but…”

“Dean.” Her look was stern. “I’ve invited you to games. I’ve talked to her about baseball in front of you. She was the one who invited me to join  _her_  team.”

He blushed, ashamed at himself. He knew the only reason he didn’t know that already was because he ignored Meg constantly whenever she was around, even if she was talking to his friends, in favor of talking to Cas. “I’m sorry, Jess.”

“I’m starting to think that you really thought that everyone hated Meg.”

“I did…” he whispered. “I thought everyone felt the same as me, and I just never paid attention.”

She looked at him with pity in her eyes. “Meg plays D&D with Charlie. Did you know that?”

“No…”

“Yeah, apparently Charlie convinced her. Charlie says she’s really good at it. Something about being the perfect ‘Lawful Evil’, whatever that means. She also meets Garth for lunch a few times a month. What they have to talk about, who knows…My point is that everyone has made an effort to include her.”

Dean was staring at her in disbelief. God, it looked like Cas wasn’t the blind one, like Dean had originally thought. Dean was. He just wasn’t able to see that everyone actually liked Meg. He inhaled through his nose and closed his eyes for a moment. He really was a shitty friend. “Ok. I get it.”

She considered him a moment before nodding. “I think you do. Now, continue the apology.”

He nodded, and continued writing.

_I will apologize to Meg in person and hopefully right my wrongs. Meg didn’t deserve to get blamed for my-_

Dean glanced up at Jess, who nodded in encouragement. He tapped his pen against the edge of the table, nervous to be opening up to Cas like that, but he knew he needed to be sincere even if it meant that he would have to talk about his feelings.

- _insecurities. I’ve come to learn a lot of things in the past few days, and one of them is that I’ve been a selfish friend. I was thinking only of myself, and about how I felt, and never considered that my actions would hurt you. I am very sorry for this. I shouldn’t have acted as if I had any say in what you do in your life. I betrayed your friendship._

“Fuck.” Dean whispered, wiping at the tears that were beginning to form in his eyes. He reached out a shaky hand to take a sip of his leftover orange juice, avoiding Jess’s understanding eyes. He glanced back at the printout and read the next step. ‘Admit responsibility’. He sighed, at least that was done. The next one, though, stopped him dead in his tracts. “Um, Jess? How am I supposed to make amends?”

She leaned over, reading the apology printout upside down. “Ah…yes.” She leaned back in her chair and blushed. “Don’t hate me for this. Sam too. We just want to help.”

He chewed on his lip. “Just say it, Jess. I’m already kinda raw here if you can’t tell already. I don’t know what could possibly make things worse.”

“I figure the only way you can make amends is if you make an effort to do better. To change some of those behaviors.” She took a moment to move, but when she did, she reached into the stack and thumbed through it before she found what she was looking for. Her eyes scanned the page before connecting with his, and she pushed the paper flat along the surface of the table until it was in front of Dean. “Stay calm.”

Before even looking at it, he knew it was going to be bad. If Jess looked nervous, then he should be terrified. After a deep breath, he read the top of the paper. Immediately, his back shot ramrod straight, his shoulders raised with tension, and his heart tried to escape through his throat. Therapists. It was a list of local therapists that would accept his insurance. Immediately, he dropped the paper and put his head in his hands.

Fuck.

Dean was shaking. He couldn’t believe that both Sam and Jess thought he needed to see a therapist. That he was crazy, or something. He immediately wanted to get up and leave, to take Baby and leave Jess and the fucking list in his house while he drove away, never to come back.

His breath came out in short puffs.

He didn’t need a therapist. He didn’t need someone to tell him he was crazy. He didn’t need someone to take apart his entire life and shove it back into his face. His heart sped up at the thought of telling someone about his mom…about his dad.

Shit. He was getting light headed. What would his dad think? What would John say about his oldest son talking to a therapist. He knew exactly what his dad would say. He would look Dean in the eyes and say. “Therapy is for pussies. My son ain’t a goddamn pussy. You hear me? All you need is a bottle of Jack and a girl to fuck.” Deans hands encountered wetness. Shit. Was he crying? His breath began coming faster. Was he hyperventilating? He couldn’t stop. He let his hands fall and locked eyes with Jess, his eyes wide open with panic. She was looking at him, saying something, but he couldn’t hear it over the sound of blood pumping through his ears. He was getting light headed, Dean thought, he was going to pass out. What would his dad say about that? Would he call him a fag again? Say that his son was turning into a fairy and this is what happens to his kind? They get weak? They’re not real men? He’s gonna get his ass kicked if he kept taking it up the ass?

“-breathe! Dean.” A hand touched his face, pulling up until he was once again looking at Jess. “Come on, Dean. You’re ok. Just breathe. Look at me.”

Dean nodded frantically and watched jess’s chest rise and fall with slow breaths, but he couldn’t match it. He was still breathing too quickly. Tears coursed down his cheek, and he still couldn’t breathe. He couldn’t fucking breathe and now Jess was here to watch him. To see how pathetic he really was.

Pussy. Faggot. Fairy. Dean let out a breathless sob. Worthless. He sucked in a large breath and choked it out. He felt a pressure on his chest, and for a moment, he thought his dad was there in front of him, ready to hit him. He expected to see the man tower over him, a bottle of whiskey in one hand, the other fisted roughly in his shirt. He opened his eyes, and Jess was right there, her kind blue eyes wide in concern. Her hand was on his chest, over his heart, and she was still talking. “Its ok, Dean. You’re going to be ok.”

He shook his head. No he wasn’t. couldn’t she see that he wasn’t breathing? Couldn’t she see the tears in his eyes? A stabbing pain went through his chest. Oh god. He was having a heart attack. He was going to die, and never get to set things right with Cas. A hand started stroking through his hair and he felt his face being held to something soft. A chest. Slowly, his breaths calmed, but it was still too much. He pushed Jess away and put his forehead on the cool table top, still smelling of bacon and eggs, and let his eyes close. He didn’t know how long he sat there, struggling to breathe, struggling to control his heart …god, he was so weak. His chest was hurting and he could only think that his dad would be so disappointed in him right now. His dad must be rolling in his grave because his fairy son was so weak.

“Why?” He croaked, once his lungs allowed him to speak.

Jess’s hand ran through his hair. “Dean…”

“Don’t, Jess.” He sat up, his face still hot and red, still gasping for breath. “Just don’t. Why did you give this to me?”

“Sam gave me permission to tell you this, or else I wouldn’t…but did you know Sam saw a therapist for three years?” At Deans gob smacked expression, she continued. “He was seeing a therapist before we met and continued up until we got married.”

“Why did he-” He stopped himself, not sure if he wanted to know the answer.

Jess shook her head. “Your dad did a number on him, and we think he did one on you too.”

Dean wasn’t having it. “No, Jess. He’s dead, its in the past, and I’m over it.”

“Dean…I’m saying this from a place of love. What you did at dinner that night was not ok. I talked to Sam, and he recognized some of John’s behaviors in you.”

“I’m not like that bastard at all!” He snarled, his shaking fingers gripping the table tight. His heartbeat rose again, his chest aching.

“Dean, calm down.” She reached out to take Deans hand, and he had the childish urge to yank his hand away. She stroked her thumb on the back of his hand and smiled softly at him. “So you’re telling me that you didn’t drink alcohol, get pissed off, and then yell at someone? That sounds exactly like your dad, Dean.”

He opened his mouth to firmly deny her accusations. He was not like his dad. That man was an angry drunk. That man only cared about his sons when they did exactly what he wanted them to. That man stayed out all night at bars, and came home intoxicated and pissed. That man ordered you around and expected his instructions to be followed perfectly or there would be hell to pay. That man told you who you could be friends with, and-

Shit.

Dean had told Cas who his friends should be. Dean had done the same exact thing he grew up hating his dad for.

“I was pissed before I had a few drinks.” He mumbled, but he knew his argument held no water. God…was he turning into his dad? No, he couldn’t be. But then again…

“Dean. You had a panic attack not even five minutes ago just thinking about therapy. That isn’t normal.”

He pushed his chair away from the table and walked to the refrigerator. His hand hovered over a beer bottle, but he moved on to the pitcher of cold water. Beer was part of the reason he lost Cas, and if that wasn’t a reason to stop drinking the stuff, then he didn’t know what was. He poured himself a cup, and thought of Cas. His face when Dean screwed up, yet again. The idea that he might become an angry drunk one day, and treat his loved ones the way his dad treated him. “Ok…” he wiped at his face, which was still crusty with tears. “You’re right. I’ll see a therapist.”

She let out a deep sigh of relief and pointed to a circled address. “This is Mrs. Moseley…when we moved here after Stanford, this is who Sam saw.”

“Does he still see her?”

“Its been a while, but he will if he feel like he needs it.”

“Ok…I’ll call in the morning.”

She cleared her throat and gave him a penetrating look.

He looked at the clock it was only eleven. The office wouldn’t even be on lunch yet, so there were no excuses. “I’ll call right now.”

o.O.o.O.o.O.o.O.o.O.o.O.o.O.o

 _Dear Cas,_    
_I’m sorry for the things I said to you, both at dinner and at your house. I wish I hadn’t told you that you shouldn’t be friends with Meg. It wasn’t my place, and I had no right to tell you who you should be friends with. I said some horrible things about her, and I’m sorry I insulted your friend like that. I realized it’s because I was jealous that you and her were so close. I will apologize to Meg in person and hopefully right my wrongs. Meg didn’t deserve to get blamed for my insecurities. I’ve come to learn a lot of things in the past few days, and one of them is that I’ve been a selfish friend. I was thinking only of myself, and about how I felt, and never considered that my actions would hurt you. I am sorry. I shouldn’t have acted as if I had any say in what you do in your life. I betrayed you your friendship. I’ve talked with a friend and they helped me see that I should see a therapist to help me deal with my past in hopes that I’ll become a better person in the future. I hope that you will forgive me with time, but I understand that I hurt you a lot and that might not be possible. Either way, I am committed to being better and will go to therapy so I wont end up like my dad._    
_Love,_    
_Dean_

o.O.o.O.o.O.o.O.o.O.o.O.o.O.o

He waited at the coffee shop, eyes glued to the steaming cup of coffee in front of him. Jessica’s words still fresh in his mind. ‘Don’t talk over her’, ‘Say you are sorry’, ‘Don’t try and excuse your behavior’…all of the things he should have known before he apologized to Cas.

The chair in front of him was grabbed and pulled out roughly, the scraping of the legs on the hardwood startling him out of his thoughts. Meg lowered herself in the chair and stared at him. Her brown hair was pulled back, away from her face, and her lips were painted red. On her shoulders sat her customary leather jacket and a black tank top underneath. Dark blue jeans hugged her legs, and a pair of worn looking black boots finished the ensemble. She looked dressed to kill, and Dean had to admit that if she was going for intimidating…then she was succeeding.

She was staring at him, her red lips pursed, a frown between her eyebrows, and Dean knew she wasn’t going to say a goddamn thing unless he started talking first.

“Thanks for coming, Meg.” He paused but she did no more than raise an arched eyebrow. “Did you want coffee?”

“No.” She replied, her voice drawling the sounds out like she was talking to a lover.

He nodded and pushed his own half full cup away. There was no way he’d be able to drink it while she was watching, anyway. “I wanted to apologize to you, in person.”

She was still watching him with a bored look on her face. “Go on, then…I don’t have all day. In fact, I have to leave for work in twenty minutes. I  _do_  hope we can finish before then.”

“Uh, ok.” He stammered and continued. This was going as well as he thought it would go. “I’m sorry for the things I said to you, and behind your back.”

She said nothing, only continuing to watch him.

“They were rude.” He went on. “And you didn’t deserve them.”

She scoffed. “I’m sure you’re sorry, Dean. You’re sorry it all blew up in your face.”

“No.” He tried to reassure her. “I really am sorry. I didn’t know all of the facts, you know? I didn’t know that you were actually kind of a good person.”

“Kind of?” she smirked at him.

“Well, no. I mean-”

She waved him away. “No, I know how you feel about me. Let’s keep this honest, Dean. Say what you really mean.”

He tried to search her eyes for anything to go by, anger, frustration, bloodlust. Anything... but she wasn’t giving any emotions away other than her usual smug look. “I’m sorry I called you a vampire and made fun of your job. I’m sorry for thinking you had bad intentions with Cas. I’m sorry for trying to break up your friendship. I’m sorry for talking shit about you to my friends. I’m sorry for all of the times I purposefully ignored you.” He took a deep breath, trying to remember if he was forgetting anything. He wanted to give her as little ammo as possible. “And I’m sorry for anything I said that hurt your feelings.”

She laughed. “You think anything  _you_  say could ever hurt my feelings?”

He shifted in his chair, hand itching to grab his coffee so he would have something to do with his hands. A few days ago, he would be so pissed off at this point that he surely would have been yelling. But now…he was just so tired of this shit. “No, but I still want to apologize.”

She leaned forward in her chair, forearms braced on the table, her tone dripping with condescension. “Thank you for being honest, Dean.”

He nodded, not even having it in him to roll his eyes at her. Dean couldn’t say that he didn’t deserve Meg treating him this way. He definitely did. He hurt her best friend, and if her feelings didn’t sway towards hate before, he’s sure they did now. Feeling that he really didn’t have anything left to lose, and not an ounce of pride left to hurt, he just had to ask her a question. “You can tell me to fuck off if you want, but I have a question.”

“Let it all out.” She gestured around the room before she leaned back in her chair, her ankle resting comfortably on her knee.

“Ever since the beginning, you’ve hated me. Never even gave me a chance. Why?”

The sound her foot made as her ankle slid off her knee and slammed against the hardwood floor of the café was enough to make more than one person jump. “You want to know why?” She asked dangerously.

He gulped, but nodded anyways.

“I knew you before you even said one word to me. I’ve dealt with men like you. Conceited, self-centered, only cared about yourselves, and so has my dear Castiel. He’s seen too many men like you, and have been hurt by all of them. For some reason, though, he was giving you a pass.” She leaned closer and Dean had to struggle not to back away. “Maybe it was your friendship with Benny, maybe it was your looks, but I saw you, Dean. I only had to wait for you to fuck up and show your true colors. To show that you, just like all of the other men, were nothing but a wolf in sheep’s clothing.”

Dean had to make an effort to shut his mouth, Jess’s words running through his head. ‘Let her say her piece’.

“Cas is a fucking angel, Dean. He’s too kind to do what he should, so I’ll gladly take on the burden to protect him from assholes like you. Ever since the first day I saw you, I could see what you wanted from him and I immediately could see that you didn’t deserve him. And now that you’re gone, I’ll take the time to pick up the pieces and put him back together. Just like I did after Michael when no one was there to help. You’re the same as him, Dean, you think you can own Cas. That you can dictate his life. That’s not going to fly around here, Dean. Cas had too much shit thrown at him his entire life, his parents, his friends, his partners, and now you. Congratulations, Dean. You proved me right. Now, the only person you hurt was Cas.”

“I didn’t mean to hurt Cas.”

“Oh, I know…you wanted to hurt me. Look how that’s backfired.” She shook her head and looked away for a moment. “For someone who apparently is in love with the guy, you have a shit way of showing it.”

“Meg, you _know_ I love Cas…” he confessed. Surely, she could see it

“You do?” She questioned. “Then what’s his favorite color?”

Dean answered automatically. “Blue.”

She laughed. “Nice try, Dean. It’s actually yellow. Who is his favorite pianist?”

Dean, still recovering from the last question, could do nothing but gape at her. “Uh…Beethoven?”

She shook her head, no longer looking very amused. “Ludovico Einaudi.” she informed him with perfectly accented Italian. “You know how I know this? Because I’m his friend, Dean. I listen to him, and ask him questions. Ask yourself why you never asked him about the music he plays when he paints. For gods sake, you’ve been there often enough to hear it. Ask yourself why you never bothered to learn his favorite color. I take care of him when he’s down. I’m doing it right now, which is why I know that he’s in his studio this very second, drawing with charcoal. That’s what Cas uses when he’s depressed, Dean…when he’s sad or angry. That shit gets everywhere, and he’s drawing with it like getting it all over himself is some kind of punishment. The shit he’s drawing right now is even starting to depress me.”

“Meg, I…” He didn’t know what to say, and before he could think of something, Meg was already standing.

“I’m leaving.” She gave him one last glance before turning to leave. “I hope I never see you again.”

He watched her walk out of the coffee shop, her head held high and her stride confident. The walk of someone sure they would never see Dean again.

o.O.o.O.o.O.o.O.o.O.o.O.o.O.o

“How did it go?” Jess asked as soon as she picked up the phone.

“Not good…” Dean sighed.

“Its ok, we planned for this…” she replied, already trying to make things better. “And with Cas?”

“I bitched out.”

“What?”

“Meg let it slip that he was at his studio and so after that clusterfuck I went straight there. I was about to knock on the door, but I just couldn’t. I tried, but I just…” he groaned to himself, full of shame and disappointment. He had stood in front of the door like an idiot, listening to the sad music leaking out from the cracks of the door. “I slipped it under the door.”

“Its ok, Dean.”

“No its not.” He admitted. “Either he’s going to miss it, or Meg’s going to find it somehow and throw it away.”

“No she’s not.” Jess assured him. “She’s at work right now, right? So there’s no way she’d get it first. Besides, she wouldn’t throw away a letter addressed to Cas.”

He was about to argue, but then he realized that he really  _didn’t_  know anything about Meg. All he knew at this point was that she cared for Cas, and that she was trying to protect him. That sounded like someone who would throw away a letter to Dean, but Jess obviously knew her better so he kept his mouth shut. “I guess I just have to wait then. Maybe Cas will read it and get back to me. Maybe…”

“Or maybe he won’t.” She finished for him. “It’s ok, Dean. The point is that you tried.”

He nodded. “Yeah. At least I tried.”

For three days he waited by his phone, and he never got a text from Cas. He had figured it would happen like that, had never assumed that Cas would ever want to talk to him again, but shit…it still hurt. It was with that mindset that he entered his first session with Mrs. Moseley. He could tell right away that she was a woman that could see through his shit, and if he weren’t honest she would call him out on it.

He had gone in there expecting the worst and had been prepared to look into other options, but Missouri had been great. She didn’t ask him over and over how every little detail made him feel, like he’d seen in the movies, and she hadn’t asked him about his parents’ relationship. Instead, she let him talk and occasionally asked for clarification. He had expected to go in there and she would immediately start drilling him for information. Instead, she just wanted to get to know him. Once she learned his favorite food was pie, they spent the next fifteen minutes talking about recipes. Somehow, and Dean still wasn’t sure how, that morphed into him talking about his dead dad. Although he didn’t cry, it was only through great effort and a few badly presented self-deprecating jokes. She didn’t appreciate those very much and he learned right away that his usual attitude when dealing with feelings wasn’t going to work. She listened through all of his babbling, nodding when appropriate, and then asked him a few questions that prompted even more word vomit.

When he left the office, he felt like utter shit. He was shaky, his head hurt, and despite being hungry going into it, he had no doubt that eating something would make him want to vomit. There had to have been something in that damn cookie he ate...some kind of truth serum that made him spill his guts unprompted.

The next morning, he picked up the small blue journal she had handed him on his way out of the office, and stared at it for at least five minutes before he cracked it open and started writing. Fifteen minutes later, he put his pen down, and immediately felt better. Like the weight he had been feeling all week was off of his shoulders.

o.O.o.O.o.O.o.O.o.O.o.O.o.O.o

Dean was making waffles in his kitchen, when he heard his phone chirp from his bedroom. In his head, he calculated whether or not he’d make it to his bedroom and back before his waffle burned, but he eventually decided it wasn’t worth the risk. It wasn’t until after he ate his waffles and was heading out the door for work, that he checked his pockets and had to run back up to his bedroom for his phone.

It was with a distracted mindset that he quickly checked who the text had been from. What he saw froze him in his tracks. Cas. The message was from Cas.

Dean nearly dropped his phone in shock. Three weeks. That’s how long ago he slid that note under the door. It had only taken four days for Dean to come to the conclusion that Cas hated him and was never going to talk to him again. He even talked to his therapist a bit about Cas in his second session, and cited him as the reason that he had sought therapy in the first place. But there it was, a text from Cas, and he was too afraid to open it. If Cas was any other person, Dean would be safe to assume that the text would be full of expletives and accusations, but this was Cas so he had no idea what to expect.

With shaking hands, he opened the text.

From Cas: Did you mean it?

Dean exhaled. Ok, no anger. This he could manage.

From Dean: Which part?

He turned the phones volume up to the max setting and pocketed it. Cas was probably at the studio by now, there was no way he’d have the time to-

PING.

From Cas: The therapy part

Dean shut his eyes. Out of all of the things Cas could have brought up, that was the one he had hoping against.

From Dean: Yeah. Had my second session earlier this week.

From Cas: I’d like to talk.

From Dean: Yes.

From Cas: Come to the studio after you get off of work.

Shit! Work. Dean rushed to his car and began the fifteen-minute drive to work, not caring that he was going to be a few minutes late. Cas wanted to talk to him. Cas read the letter. God, how was he ever going to fix cars when all he was going to be able to think about was maybe/potentially fixing things with Cas? Or maybe he’d get there, say the wrong thing, and then Cas would tell him to leave?

He shot a quick text to Jess (From Dean: Cas texted me! What the fuck do I do?) before shoving his phone and keys into the locker and pulling on his coveralls.

The next 8 hours could hardly be called productive. Bobby yelled at him six times (twice for the amount of texts his phone was chirping with, and the other six times for stupid mistakes), and nothing seemed to go right. Dean put in an incorrect order for a part, he forgot his coffee and ended up with a pounding headache by noon, and he spent his whole lunch daydreaming so by the time he was done with work he was hungry and irritable. He dug an old granola bar out of his glove compartment, and prayed it would hold him through whatever was to come.

He felt like a zombie as he parked and walked up the steps to Cas’s art studio, his limbs were moving but his brain was far away. Too soon, he was at Cas’s door, with his fist raised.

Muffled shouting stopped his fist midair. He pressed his ear to the door in curiosity. Was Cas ok? Did Dean need to bang open the door and rescue the guy?

“-of your business!” that was obviously Cas, but who was he yelling at?

“-listened…just hurt…too bad…-” it was too spotty to make out the whole conversation, but Meg was obviously pissed off.

“-me…trust…my decision!” the last word was loud and clear.

“-not going to…all over…Michael!”

For a few moments it was silent, then there was more mumbling that was too quiet for him to make out. After a minute, he heard boots on the hardwood heading his way. He stepped to the side just in time to see Meg practically kick the door open. She met his eye briefly, but turned to leave without a word. A second set of footprints began approaching, the soft slide of slippers on the floor a clear indication that it was Cas.

He appeared in the doorway, a sad look on his face, and immediately caught Deans eye.

Dean cleared his throat as Cas continued to stare. “Heya, Cas.”

Cas slowly nodded, as if he agreed that ‘Heya’ was a serviceable greeting. He cleared his throat. “Please come in and have a seat.”

Dean followed the man awkwardly, trying not to follow too closely, but not able to help himself. The scent of the studio was bringing back memories that Dean had shoved into the back of his mind. There were canvases lining the wall, all covered in a sheet. The only piece of art still visible was a canvas on his stand, the pencil sketch still visible.

Cas was already on the lazy boy, leaving the love seat open for Dean. “Please sit.”

“Are you ok? I saw Meg leave and she…” he trailed off.

“Meg and I had a disagreement.” He stated. “We will be fine after she cools off.”

“I’m glad.” He admitted. If he learned one thing from all of this, it was that Meg wasn’t leaving.

Cas didn’t react, only watched as Dean got comfortable. “I read your letter.”

Dean gave Cas a small smile. “Thank you.”

“It took me a few days to get to it.” He admitted. “I really didn’t want anything to do with you after…”

Dean nodded, taking a deep breath. “I understand. I was a shitty friend.”

“But you weren’t. At least not until the end.”

“No…I was.” He admitted, not able to look Cas in the eyes. “I had a lot of time to think about it, and I really wasn’t that good of a friend.”

“You were doing a good job hiding it…” Cas murmured.

“I know, and I think the fact that I was hiding it at all was the shitty part.”

Cas was looking at him, and Dean couldn’t break eye contact even if he tried. “I told Meg I was going to talk to you, and she wasn’t happy.”

They definitely explained the argument from earlier. “Yeah, she’s not a big fan of me.”

“Yes. She mentioned that you talked to her. That you apologized like you said you would in your letter.”

“I did.” He confirmed. “Even if you never wanted to speak to me again, I still owed her one.”

Cas tucked his feet under himself and got comfortable. “So you’ve been going to therapy?”

Dean nodded. “Yeah, Sam and Jess recommended it. I like it, but it’s kinda a bitch.”

“I have to admit…I didn’t think you’d be the type to seek help.” He glanced away nervously. “I’ve seen a therapist myself, so I know it can be difficult.”

“I thought the same thing, but there’s something about your whole life falling apart that makes you consider it. Jess brought it up and I had a fuckin panic attack…that’s not normal, you know? I just don’t want to turn into him- my dad, I mean. I think I was going down that road. I was kinda a mean drunk, obviously, and I decided to stop drinking too. It’s not worth it. My dad was a mean drunk and it really fucked me and Sammy up.”

“You don’t talk about your dad…”

“Yeah, he was an alcoholic. I don’t think I had a drinking problem yet, but it was kinda only a matter of time. My dad drank a lot, ended up wrapping his car around a tree. That was it. Gone. I’m just glad he didn’t take any one else out with him.”

“I’m sorry, Dean.”

Dean shrugged. “Its ok, it was a long time ago. He was also kinda an ass.”

“Still…” Cas unfolded his legs and clasped his fingers together. “I think quitting drinking was a very mature decision. I myself had to quit drinking. Benny told you what happened last time. I found that alcohol brought me back to places that I didn’t want to return to.”

Dean wanted to reach out and take Cas’s hand, but he knew it was better not to touch the guy, especially since he didn’t know why Cas even wanted to see him. It couldn’t have just been to talk about therapy.

Cas seemed to shake himself out of his thoughts. “One of the reasons I wanted to see you is because you’ve decided to go to therapy.” He waited for Deans reaction, but he simply nodded. “Also, I’ve had time to come to terms with what happened and I need closure.”

Dean hid his flinch. Closure? Did that mean that after they were done talking Cas was going to be through with him? He was too afraid to ask. “Ok.”

“I want to talk about that night. What drove you to behave in that manner?”

“I don’t want to make excuses, Cas…”

“Yes, but I am asking to hear them now.”

“You want to know why I…” Dean trailed off. “What happened that day? What set me off?”

“That is exactly what I want to hear.”

Dean nodded, trying to gather his thoughts. “Well, at the time I really didn’t like Meg, and you know that now.”

“Do you not feel the same way?”

He shrugged. “I didn’t know a lot of things a few weeks ago. My eyes have kinda been forcefully opened over here.”

“What didn’t you know?” He asked curiously.

“Uh…” He rubbed at the back of his head. “Well, I didn’t know that everyone actually liked Meg, for one. I had kinda hated her from the beginning so I really wasn’t able to see that not everyone felt the same. That’s why I said those things at dinner, I just assumed that Sam and Jess would be on my side.”

“So, you thought you’d be safe to say what you were feeling…”

“Yes.” He admitted. “By that point I was just so damn angry that I didn’t think about anything else.”

“What had made you so angry?”

“Meg was at your studio, for one. She was being annoying as hell…it just wasn’t good all around.”

“That’s it?” Cas asked.

“No…” he admitted. “She made us late for dinner, and-”

“No, she didn’t.” Cas interrupted.

“What?” He asked.

“She didn’t make us late.” He confirmed. “I did. I  _told_  you I did.”

“But, Meg was the one that wanted you to walk her outside…” he protested weakly.

“Dean. I apologized for it in the car. It was my fault. I pulled her into a conversation and lost track of time. I had been feeling poorly, and she was helping me through some issues.”

“Shit. She winked at me…I thought that she was just fucking with me. I thought this whole time that you were just taking the blame.” He shook his head in dismay. “I was so fuckin pissed, Cas…so pissed. I was thinking: ‘Great. He’s defending her again’, and was so angry  _for_  you. And then when we got to Sammy’s house, I just started chugging beers because I was mad. That just made it worse. And then the last straw…what fucking made me lose it…was when you started talking about her at dinner.”

“And that upset you, why?” he asked, a frown on his face.

“I don’t know, man. Hearing you talk about her like you did…it just was-” God, he wished he wasn’t so shit at explaining himself. “I was just thinking that there was no other way you would be friends with her unless you owed her, or something.”

“And why didn’t you talk to me?” he asked. “Why didn’t you just ask me in private?”

Dean shrugged. “If I had taken a few seconds to think about it, I probably wouldn’t have done it. I would have just sucked it up.”

Cas looked away and fiddled with the hem of his shirt. Dean waited patiently. Surely, he was going to tell him to leave soon. He had his closure and Dean would have to give Cas back his studio key and delete his phone number. What he hadn’t been prepared for was for Cas to look him in the eye and say “You had feelings for me, did you not?”

Dean’s mouth slipped open and he could do nothing but stare at Cas in shock. Jess had assumed that Cas knew, but Dean had prayed that he could at least escape that mortification. And god, if this was how he was going to end the conversation…if this was the last thing they’d ever talk about…then he was going to have to make an emergency appointment with Missouri. He itched to take out his phone and shoot her a text, but he managed to keep his hands in his lap and choke out a “Yes.”

“I’d guessed.” He admitted as if Dean’s brain wasn’t frying in front of him. “I think that was what hurt the most. That you had feelings for me, and then you said the things you did…it reminded me of a past that I had wanted to forget. And then you showed up at my house and tried to make excuses…”

“God…I’m so sorry, Cas.”

Cas was elsewhere in his mind. “To have someone I could see myself caring for say those things…it was just too much.”

Dean shut his eyes tightly. Cas had said he could see himself caring for Dean, and now…

Cas was still talking. “Meg told me about your apology. She said that she told you that you were just like Michael. I don’t think that true as she had never truly met the man and everything she heard was second hand. Michael wouldn’t have apologized to her, nor would he have apologized to me. Michael wouldn’t have written me a note without the guarantee that I would read it. Michael wouldn’t have sought therapy at the recommendation of another. He wasn’t that kind of man. I think that’s why I wanted to talk to you. The fact that you admitted that you needed therapy, and the fact that you followed through with it showed me that you  _weren’t_  like him.”

For the first time in weeks, he felt the stirring of hope. “My therapist, Missouri, has helped. Really. I’m planning on keeping it up.”

“That’s good…” he shifted in his seat. “I would like to get back into contact with you, Dean.”

Dean could hardly believe his ears. “You still want to be friends with me?”

He nodded. “Yes. I believe your remorse is true.”

“Fuck, Cas…” he had to rub at his eyes to get rid of the prickly feeling that was developing. “Can I hug you.”

Cas didn’t say anything, he just stood up and approached Dean. Without hesitation, Dean jumped to his feet and pulled Cas into his arms. Even before the incident, Cas had never been a touchy-feely kind of man, and hugs were always rare. Cas was more likely to express his affection with a gently squeeze of the shoulder or a pat on the back, so to be able to hug the man right now…especially after he had been so sure he’d have to walk out of the man’s life…god, it was nice. Cas had always fit in Deans arms like he belonged there, and to Dean, he still did. He squeezed Cas as tight as he dared, hoping that Cas wouldn’t pull away any time soon.

Cas let his head fall to Deans shoulder and Dean wanted to cry. He knew that he couldn’t squander his second chance. He knew that from that moment onward, he would do everything in his power to become better…to be worthy of staying in Cas’s life. And maybe, just maybe, he’d be worthy of his love someday.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok, guys. I am eventually going to have an epilogue. I don’t think it will be attached to this story though, more likely I’m going to be adding it as its own separate story in the same verse.
> 
> Next on my list is the story of Cas and Michael. Stay tuned!


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